Arguments with children

Do not argue with your kids

'If you win an argument, you lose a friend'.

Let’s see what actually happens during an argument:

•     Direct attack on a person’s ego and self-esteem.
•     How do we counter an argument and defend ourselves?
•     What do we get out of the argument?
•     Arguing with our children.
•     Result.
•  

Direct attack on a person’s ego and self-esteem

When we argue with someone, we tell him point blank:

•     You are wrong.
•     Your judgment is wrong.
•     Your opinion is wrong.
•     You have no wisdom.
•     You are fool.

How do you feel when someone tells you this?

Do you enjoy it? No one does.

Every argument involves sharp criticism. Criticism triggers hatred. It directly hits our emotions, self-esteem and ego. Self esteem and ego are our most precious possessions. We don’t enjoy best of the best things if we are able to get them at the cost of our self-esteem and ego.

The critical words and sentences uttered in an argument against us directly attack our self-esteem, ego and feelings, and do something what atom bombs did to Hiroshima-Nagasaki in World War-II.

We employ everything at our command to protect our shattering ego.

How do we do it?


How do we counter an argument and defend ourselves?

We make a China wall around ourselves.

This wall serves many purposes. It closes our mind to the merits of the attacking argument. The mind gets into offensive mode.

The other person’s arguments fall on our ears but our mind rejects them out rightly.

Then our mind sets up best available guns and canons on the top of this china wall, and loads them with all the available logics, facts and figures, howsoever baseless, vague, misconceived or prejudiced they might be.

Yes, the firing starts.

Whom do we fire at? Of course, the one who attacked us, and everyone who comes in the way. We start contradicting every argument against us with our full potential with all kind of justifications … mostly prejudiced.

We blame the one who argues with us and everyone whom we can shift the blame on. To prove ourselves right, we spare no one whom we can blame.

Our body language also comes to assist our oral arguments, and send hostile messages from its gestures like bitter looks, folds on the forehead, tight jaws … and more.

Every argument from one side arouses a new argument from other side. There is no closing argument.

A causal argument gets lost into heated arguments in no time.

Opening arguments is very easy, even a fool can do it.

Closing arguments is an uphill task.


What do we get out of the argument?

Nobody likes being blamed. We are all alike … including kids.

And remember, the same thing is happening with the person with whom you are arguing.

So where are you two guys reaching? … nearer to each other or farther than before?

Every argument increases the distance between two persons.

Even if you prove him wrong in front of the whole world, he’ll still be firm and adamant on his opinion, probably more than ever before. He’ll never come close to your heart and would keep looking for opportunity to let you down sooner or later.

And even if you think you have won the argument, you actually lose, because you have lost all prospects to have a good relation with that person ever in future.

Argument poisons love.


Arguing with our children

Children can learn from you and improve their behavior only when they like you and have a good opinion of you.

So we need to ensure that at any cost.

When we argue with adults, we are still somewhat sensible, but when we argue with our own kids, we are at our worst. We complain, condemn, ridicule, scold, shout, humiliate and insult them. This makes the argument much more ugly and filthy.

We not only hurt his ego, self esteem and emotions, but also spoil our image in his estimation.

And does this correct the child’s behavior which triggered the argument?

Never!

The child will be more adamant than ever before.

And what do you achieve out of all this? Arousing hatred in the heart of the child against you.


Result

… we end up spoiling our own game. Things get messed up more than before.

So why to prove a child he is wrong. That’s not going to make him like you? So, Why argue with him?

And remember, kids also don’t enjoy making mistakes and justifying them.

Nobody wants to make a mistake. They just happen … more so with kids.

It is only experience which teaches us how to avoid mistakes. Kids have life experience of only a few years. They are more likely to make mistakes.

They are just what we were in their age under similar circumstances. We’ve made similar or worse mistakes at their age. These days kids are smarter. I’m sure I made more mistakes when I was my son’s age, than my son does today.

How to argue with your kids and win the argument. 

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How to argue with your kids

Arguments poison love. Even if you win an argument, you lose a friend.

But what if your child has already started an argument? How to win an argument with him? … The only way to win an argument is to avoid it.

But how to do it? I know it’s not that easy.

All we can do is make sincere effort to avoid it. It might not work as much the first time, but after a few attempts, it works very well. Not only it helps avoiding an ongoing argument, it also helps in avoiding the source of arguments as well. That’s how to win arguments with your children.

How to avoid arguments: Rulebook for arguments

Here are some practical tips to avoid arguments with your children:

•     Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous
•     Control your temper
•     Be a good listener
•     Disagreement is healthy
•     Identify the areas of agreement
•     Admit when you are wrong
•     Think from child’s point of view
•     Don’t expect written confession
•     Don’t hurt his ego
•     Use suggestive approach
•     Avoid negative emotions
•     Soften your voice tone
•     Mind your body language
•     Don’t be in a hurry to announce the final judgment
•     Keep it short
•     Don’t forget the general rules of ‘Parent child communication’

1. Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous

In a situation adverse to us, our first impression is generally wrong. Why? Because we are prejudiced and biased against the other person. We tend to jump on conclusions and judge others thoughtlessly. Instead of understanding the whole situation, we reach our judgment on the basis of our first impression. We immediately say, he’s wrong’ or ‘he’s bad’.

Show some generosity. Don’t be in a hurry to judge your kids, and if you do, don’t judge them so harshly … be liberal in your judgment, if at all the need be.


2. Control your temper

Hold on … manage your anger for a while. Keep calm in an argument. Let this moment pass away. A little while later, you’d be somewhat cool and look at the things more rationally and understand the situation better.

If you can let this moment pass away, most of the damage that arguments do would be avoided. I’m sure you would be a different person after 10 minutes to react on the same arguments of your child.

I understand that it’s not easy to digest facing a child arguing with you. But this does happen sometimes. You are wiser than your child, and therefore it is your duty to teach him how to avoid arguments.

How do you do it? … by showing him how to argue and how not to argue?

So don’t lose temper. Control yourself or you’ll teach him the incorrect and messy way to argue.

Losing temper turns petty arguments into heated arguments and then into a full fight. Remaining calm in argument also saves lots of embarrassment.


3. Be a good listener

Listen to the child carefully. Let him speak his mind and heart fully so that you can understand him clearly. If you let him speak, most of the part of arguments will be over. After a while he’ll run out of words. Now there can’t be any argument. Because no one can argue with a silent person. He’d be less adamant now.

But if you keep interrupting him, he can’t complete what he wants to say and get further irritated by this, which will further spoil the conversation. Let him finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This will only raises new barriers between you two.


4. Disagreement is healthy

Arguments arise out of disagreements. If your child disagrees with you, it is a sign that he has started thinking himself an individual identity, and it is good and healthy. Sooner or later he has to learn to take his own stand for various things. Think of a person who has no stand of his own … a person like that will be dominated by people around him, his husband, wife, partner etc.

As parents we must ensure that the child learns to take his own independent view of things and stand for it.

So next time your child argues with you, just relax …. he is growing. Losing temper will do no good. Welcome the disagreement and teach him how to disagree without arguing, … by showing him how to do it.


5. Identify the areas of agreement

Find out the areas on which both of you agree. Pick up his actual arguments from whatever your child speaks. I’m sure the areas of agreement will be far more than areas of disagreement. This will ease the tension to a great extent.

Now you can focus only on the areas where you disagree. It gives you clarity of the scene. Now you can make a better strategy to deal with the limited area of disagreement. This will bring the child in the mode of saying yes to some of your suggestions and puts him in YES Mode.


6. Admit when you are wrong

If you find something wrong on your part, admit it immediately, and apologize for it. Accept if you have learned something new during the course of the arguments. This will disarm the child.

The child can argue against an argument. He can’t argue against no argument.


7. Think from child’s point of view

When we argue, we think about our point of view only. Try honestly to see things from your child’s point of view. Children may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. So try honestly to get into their shoes.

Think for a while, how would you feel and react if you were in your child’s situation. This will change your attitude towards your child. And your changed attitude will encourage the child to have an open mind to your words. It reduces the friction to a great extent and eases the tension.


8. Don’t expect written confession

If the child accepts his mistake, close the argument then and there. Even if you think he is not admitting his mistake the way he should. Even if he does it making faces. Don’t expect the child to give you a written confession. Don’t expect him to make a good face and give a big smile. He will take time to become normal. If you continue to argue your point even after the child has admitted his mistake, the child will certainly bounce back and a fresh round of arguments will start.


9. Don’t hurt his ego

Don’t directly say you are wrong. Don’t scold, ridicule or condemn. It will make the situation worse. Don’t use words which let the children down, like ‘stupid’, ‘dumb’, ‘fool’. Don’t use the words which smell like dictates, commands, orders and judgments. Don’t use sentences like, ‘You must understand…’, ‘I want you to do this…’. These words turn an otherwise cool discussion in a battlefield. Treat them the way you would like to be treated in their situation. Have some respect for them.


10. Use suggestive approach

Use suggestive sentences like, ‘‘Let’s see how we can improve it.’’, “Let’s see how you can do it in an easier way”, “Let’s brainstorm together”. This makes the atmosphere pleasant and the child would be in the mode of accepting your words. While making suggestions, you can gently take his attention to the area of disagreement and explain your point in a subtle manner.


11. Avoid negative emotions

Don’t express your arguments through any negative emotions like anger, hatred, sarcasm or things like that. These emotions let the children down and make them feel insulted. Their self-esteem is hurt, which arouses resentment. Resentment makes him lose temper and the argument turns into a full fight in no time.


12. Soften your voice tone

Your voice tone also reflects emotions. How you speak is much more important than what you speak. A simple word ‘Thanks’ can be spoken most politely as well as in grave anger. In both the situation the same word conveys altogether different messages. Arguments can be healthy only if done in a mature, friendly, graceful and polite manner.

13. Mind your body language

Remember most of your emotions are reflected through your body language. So mind your body language. Straighten the skin folds on your forehead, relax your facial muscles, eye-brows, and other body muscles. If you find it difficult to control your body language, try to smile before and during the conversation. Smile tends to relax the tension and emits positive vibration, which calms down the temperature of the situation.


14. Don’t be in a hurry to announce the final judgment

This session of arguments is not the end of the world. Don’t be in a hurry to pass a final judgment over the arguments. No judgment is required in the first place. But if you are desperate to prove something, don’t do it now. Prove your child wrong in some other manner at some other time so that he is not hurt. Let this process take its own time. After a few hours, or may be few days, your child won’t be as adamant as he is now.

In the mean time you can explore your knowledge, wisdom and resources available to you to find a way to deal with the problem and make the child realize his mistake. This also cools down your mind. May be nothing needs to be done actually. May be there was no need to argue as there was nothing so important. May be the child was right in his age and circumstances. May be you yourself triggered the argument. May be you can think a little above that one single incident of argument. May be you find an altogether new solution to the problem.

By deferring your judgment you are giving time to yourself as well. So it is for the betterment of both of you.


15. Keep it short

Keep this session as short as possible. Length of an argument is directly proportional to its ill effects. So keep it short. Change the topic at the earliest opportunity, and appreciate him for any other thing which he has really done well. It will melt him further.


16. Don’t forget the general rules of 'Effective communication with children'

The general rules of effective communication with children apply on every interaction of the parents with the kids. These rules set the basic stage on which every activity involving interaction between parents and children happens. So, don’t forget them at all. Add on these rules with them. Also have a look at How to criticize.

This is how to win every argument with our children

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How to criticize

Researches across the globe have conclusively proved that people learn far more effectively when they are rewarded for good behavior, than when they are criticized and punished for bad behavior.

Criticizing is easy. It can be done thoughtlessly and effortlessly. Any fool can criticize. But restraining ourselves from doing it is pretty difficult. You need to have a lot of self control, patience, compassion and forgiving attitude.

But it’s worth it! It puts in lots of strength and sweetness in the relationship and also develops child discipline by improving his behavior.

However, sometimes we desperately need to criticize, either for our personal impatience or intolerance or for some other reasons. If it is so, it is better to do it with some tips of the art of criticism. Here is how to criticize your child so that it doesn’t hurt him and serves your purpose:

•     Wait … hold on for a while
•     Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous
•     Collect facts before starting
•     How to begin
•     How to point out mistakes after praise
•     Point out their mistake indirectly
•     Refer to your own mistakes
•     Use suggestive approach
•     No personal attack
•     Don't make it a public show
•     Watch your words
•     Avoid negative emotions
•     Soften your voice tone
•     Mind your body language
•     Don’t repeat yourself over and over again
•     Don’t make an issue out of it
•     Don’t drag history in it
•     Focus on one topic at a time
•     Point out important mistakes only
•     Don’t overload the child with it
•     Don’t forget the general rules of ‘Parent child communication’
•     Finish it as early as possible

1. Wait … hold on for a while

If you desperately feel like criticizing your child, wait a minute… hold on … manage your anger for a while. Let this moment pass away. A little while later, you would be somewhat cool and look at the things more rationally and understand the situation better.

If you can let this moment pass away, most of the damage that criticism does would be avoided. I’m sure you would be a different person after 10 minutes to react on the same fault of your child.


2. Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous

We always tend to jump on conclusions and judge others spontaneously. Instead of understanding the whole situation we pass our judgment on the basis of what we hear from people around us. We immediately say, he’s right’ or ‘he’s wrong’.

Show some generosity. Don’t be in a hurry to judge your kids, and if you do, don’t judge them so harshly … be liberal in your judgment, if at all the need be.


3. Collect facts before starting

Make sure you find out why your child did what he did before you start your session. May be there was no fault on his part. May be you are firing your elder son for the fault of the younger son.

There could be anything… just check it out. There is no point in collecting facts after criticism is made.


4. How to begin

Begin the conversation with a pleasant note. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after listening to pleasant things. Having some sugar before taking a bitter medicine always make it easier to tolerate the bitter taste of the medicine.

Begin your criticism with some sincere praise on some positive aspect related to the subject which you want to criticize. Find something positive related to the subject of conversation and praise the child about it and do it liberally and generously. Then slowly come to the criticizing part.

No criticism should precede praise or you’ll lose the effect of praise as well. Spend more time in praise and little time in criticisms.

A word of caution: insincere praise will do more harm than good. Children can easily assess the sincerity we put in our praise. So better we do it sincerely so that he can accept criticism as well.


5. How to point out mistakes after praise

Praise the child for something good about him. Then use the word and and express your criticism in a gentle manner. This will nicely make a flow of the praise into a gentle criticism without sounding harsh and odd. For example:

John, studying in second grade, got ‘B’ in the Maths test and ‘A’ grade in English. Let’s see how his mother praises him for English and then constructively criticises him for Maths. Notice how she joins criticism after praise using the word ‘and’:

Mom: Got an ‘A’ in English! That’s very good! That shows how hard did you work for English, and if you work a little harder in Maths, you could get an ‘A’ in Maths as well.

This makes the criticism subtle. The child can digest it because his self esteem is not hurt. He is delighted with his praise first. The second statement does not hurt him.

A word of caution: Never use but in place of And.

Let’s understand it using the John’s example using ‘but’ in place of ‘and’.

Mom: Got an ‘A’ in English! That’s very good! That shows how hard did you work for English, but if you work a little harder in Maths, you could get an ‘A’ in Maths as well.

‘But’ is a negative word. It emits suspicion. The child now suspects the genuineness of your praise itself. This will switch off his receptive mode. He will suspect a hidden threat and sarcasm in your praise and criticism. You’ll loose your credibility.


6. Point out their mistake indirectly

Never criticise your kids directly or bluntly. Never say, ‘you are wrong’, or ‘stupid’ or ‘dumb’ or something like that. This is potential negative criticism, and would certainly arouse resentment and contempt in the child. He’ll react to criticism in an aggressive manner. Criticize him indirectly, tactfully and gently.


7. Refer to your own mistakes

Remember and talk about your own mistakes before finding faults in your child. You are at least two decades older than your kids. You have seen the world by going through day-to-day struggle. You have seen and experienced childhood, teenage, adulthood, school, college, clubs, job, business, marriage and much more.

But the child is only a few years old. He has not seen all this. He is justified in making many mistakes. And what were you at his age? I am very sure I made several times more mistakes than my son at my son’s age. My son is much smarter and these days all kids are much smarter than we were at their age.

So when ever you want to point out their mistakes don’t forget to mention that you also made that kind of mistakes or worse at his age. Tell him how you were criticized and what mistakes you made in learning ‘how to deal with criticism’. Then you can gently guide him to the correction. Your self criticism will make the child listen to you with open mind.


8. Use suggestive approach

Use suggestive sentences like, ‘Let’s see how we can improve it ….’, ‘Let’s see how you can do it in an easier way’, ‘Let’s brainstorm together’. This makes the atmosphere pleasant and the child would be in the mode of accepting criticism. While making suggestions, you can gently take his attention to the area that you want to criticize and do it subtly.


9. No personal attack

Remember, you have to criticize a negative behavior of the child, and not the ‘person’ of the child. Don’t make personal criticism. Don’t use ‘you’ too often. Don’t declare him ‘fool’, ‘stupid’ etc. These are personal attacks. Get into your child’s shoes and walk in his shoes before criticizing him. Treat him the way you would like to be treated in his situation. Have some respect for him. Try to help him in the difficult task of dealing with criticism by being friendly to him.


10. Don't make it a public show

Do not ever criticize a child in front of any one … do it in the closed room if it is desperately necessary. Public criticism means insult in front of friends, relatives and others. Criticism already inflects injury on the child. Why add insult to the injury?


11. Watch your words

Don’t use words which let them down, like ‘stupid’, ‘dumb’, ‘fool’. Don’t use the words which smell like dictates, commands, orders and judgments. Don’t use sentences like, ‘You must understand…’, ‘I want you to do this…’. These words turn an otherwise cool discussion in a battlefield, because these words trigger the defense mechanism in the child.


12. Avoid negative emotions

Our sole purpose to criticize our kids is to improve them, not to insult or disgrace them. So don’t express the criticism through any negative emotions like anger, hatred, sarcasm or things like that. These emotions let them down and make them feel insulted. Their self-esteem is hurt and criticism ceases to be a constructive criticism. It turns into a destructive criticism.


13. Soften your voice tone

Your voice tone also reflects emotions. How you speak is much more important than what you speak. A simple word ‘Thanks’ can be spoken most politely as well as in grave anger. In both the situation the same word conveys altogether different messages. Criticism must be done only in a mature, friendly, graceful and polite manner. This will help the child in accepting constructive criticism.


14. Mind your body language

Remember most of your emotions are reflected through your body language. So mind your body language. Straighten the skin folds on your fore head, relax your facial muscles, eye-brows, and other body muscles. If you find it difficult to control your body language, try to smile before and during the conversation. Smile tends to relax the tension and emits positive vibration, which calms down the temperature of the situation. Help him in handling criticism.


15. Don’t repeat yourself over and over again

Resist the feeling of repeating the same criticizing words over and over again in the same session. Saying one thing once in proper manner sends the message across. If you’ve not said it in a proper manner, it won’t serve the purpose even if you may repeat it ten more times. On the contrary, repetition arouses resentment and contempt in the child’s heart.


16. Don’t make an issue out of it

Don’t dramatize and make a scene out of it. It’s not the end of the world. Most mistakes can be corrected. Keep this in low profile and make the mistake seem easy to correct. This will relieve the child of the heaviness on his heart caused by the feeling of guild of making a mistake. Try to wind it up as early as possible and forget it after that. Don’t discuss this event ever in future as reference or historical record while making a new criticism.


17. Don’t drag history in it

Never drag any previous event into the current session. Dragging a previous error will make it a mess. You will lose the focus of improving the behavior and arguments on unnecessary things would start. The child will come in battle mode and start defending his stand for the previous events. Very soon you will find yourself beating about the bush.


18. Focus on one topic at a time

If you are criticizing your kid for one fault, focus on that only, don’t drag any other topic in the conversation or you’ll lose your focus. Concentrate on one useful criticism at a time. Dragging more topics will dilute the message you want to give to your child. Too many issues will defeat each other.


19. Point out important mistakes only

Avoid criticism of trifles. Don’t show your child that your eyes are X-ray machine and the child can’t escape doing any mistake. Nobody likes to be under surveillance at all times. Forgive their petty mistakes. Constant criticism creates serious problems.

If you criticise them for every small mistake they won’t take you seriously. You will be branded as ‘over critical’ or ‘over sensitive’. Very soon kids will loose their sensitivity to criticism and get immune to what you criticize, and instead of learning how to handle criticism, they will learn how to ignore it.


20. Don’t overload the child with it
Everything has an upper and lower limit. Some children are very sensitive to criticism while others are not as much. Measure your child’s limits to tolerate criticism. Keep your limits to the minimum. Avoid severe criticism.

Even if you are dealing with a hardened kid, don’t criticize beyond the minimum dose required. Intense criticism can depress the child. Minor criticism is always safe. The main food for your kid’s behavior is encouragement. Constructive criticisms are only medicines. Medicines are always given in small doses.


21. Don’t forget the general rules of 'effective communication with children'

The general rules of effective communication with children apply on every interaction of the parents with the kids. These rules set the basic stage on which every activity involving interaction between parents and children happens. So, don’t forget them at all. Add on these rules with them.


22. Finish it as early as possible

Remember when your parents used to criticize you? I remember that. Every minute used to pass like a full day. I would anxiously wait for the session to come to an end. Even now if someone criticizes us, we want it to finish at once. Remember: your child is not having fun being criticized. So, finish it as early as possible.

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Constructive criticism

Criticism and Child Discipline

Knowingly or unknowingly, each one of us criticises our kids on a daily basis all the hours they’re awake. Every now and then we find some new criticism to make. Easily and effortlessly.

Why?

Because if we don’t tell them what mistakes they are making, they'll never correct their mistakes. That’s right! Very right! So criticism is necessary to improve child behavior.

But have you watched your words when you criticize your kids?

You think you are improving them by finding their faults and criticizing them. But what do the kids think? How do they feel? And do they really improve by our doing this? Let’s explore criticism and see how it affects kids…!!!


Criticisms

‘To err is Human’.

We're all human beings...run more by emotions than logic, and therefore keep making mistakes every now and then.

Nobody wants to make a mistake. They just happen. And we never criticize ourselves for them, no matter what blunder we may commit.

But when someone else makes a mistake, we jump out of our soul to criticize him. We want to be the first to criticize that person, as if we were to win a gold medal for that.

Without going into the facts, we pass our own judgment holding that person guilty and expect him to give a written confession for what he did.

We are all alike … including kids.

Rather kids have more difficulty in handling criticism because they know nothing about dealing with criticism. They don’t understand how to handle criticism. They’ve never read an essay on criticism. You might have.

Anatomy of Criticism

In dealing with people, the most lovable things to us are our self esteem, ego and feelings. Everything else comes next.

Criticism directly attacks our self-esteem, ego and feelings, and does something what atom bombs did to Hiroshima-Nagasaki in World War-II.

We employ everything at our command to protect our shattering ego.

How do we do it?

We make a China wall around ourselves. This wall serves many purposes. It closes our mind to the attacking criticism. The mind gets into alert and offensive mode.

The words and sounds of criticism fall on our ears but our mind rejects them out rightly.

Then our mind sets up best available guns and canons on the top of this china wall, and loads them with all the available logics, facts and figures, howsoever baseless, vague, misconceived or prejudiced they might be.

Yes, the firing starts.

Whom do we fire at? Of Course, the one who attacked us, and everyone who comes in the way. We start contradicting the criticism with our full potential with all kind of justifications … mostly prejudiced.

We blame the one who criticizes us and everyone whom we can shift the blame on. To prove ourselves right, we spare no one whom we can blame.

Nobody likes self criticism. We are all alike … including kids.


Effects of Criticism

Criticism hurts and shatters our ego, poisons our emotions and enthusiasm and demoralizes us.

It is dangerous. It is lethal, which is why nobody likes it.

And the worse part is, it defeats its own purpose very much. Not only it fails to correct the child behavior, it also arouses hatred in the heart of the child against us. Ultimately, things get messed up more than before. No criticism can improve child behavior like that.

Criticism is futile!


Complain, condemn, ridicule, scold, shouting, humiliation and insult

More deadly species of criticism are ‘complaining’, ‘condemning’, ‘ridiculing’, ‘scolding’, ‘shouting, ‘humiliation’ and ‘insult’. The damage they do to the victim is many times what criticism does. We cause extreme insult and humiliation to our kids when we shout or pass ridiculous comments complaining and condemning our kids.

No one likes to be ridiculed. We are all alike … including kids.

If you scold your child he’ll certainly condemn you ... in your presence or absence. He’ll defend and justify himself, and tell himself, ‘Papa doesn’t understand me ... he is a bad man… I hate him… he knows scolding only. I’ll be happy if someone scolds him as well. I’m not going to listen to him any more.’

So if you think you can improve your kids behavior by criticizing, complaining, condemning, ridiculing or scolding …. think again.

It is foolish to scold.


Don’t criticize them

As I said earlier, nobody wants to make a mistake. They just happen. More so with kids. It is only experience which teaches us how to avoid mistakes.

Kids have life experience of only a few years. They are more likely to make mistakes. We’ve made similar or worse mistakes at their age.

These days kids are smarter. I’m sure I made more mistakes when I was my son’s age, than my son does today.

Don’t criticize them. They are just what we were in their age under similar circumstances.


Constructive criticism vs. destructive criticism

We have explored that criticism is bad. But how do we improve child behavior without criticizing the child's mistakes.

We can do that by making some changes in the words, gestures, ways and manners by which we criticize the kids.

If we can criticize the children without hurting their self esteem, ego and feeling, we can improve their behavior.

That’s Constructive criticism.

Constructive criticisms or positive criticism gets more effective if it is coupled with the art of criticism.

There are lots of ways to do that. Want to explore? Here’s how to criticise your child in a constructive manner.

Every criticism which is not a constructive criticism is a destructive criticism or negative criticism. Destructive criticism is rash, insincere and lacks generosity.

If you are criticizing you child and she’s not improving, your criticism is destroying her personality, and it’s destructive criticism.



Constructive criticism:

•     Aims at improving the child behavior.
•     focuses on child's behavior, not on her or his person.
•     Is genuine, without any prejudices.
•     Is sincere and generous.
•     Makes the children ready for accepting criticism.
•     Is far more helpful than a blunt criticism of the child’s faults.
•     Helps kids identify their weaknesses and work on them.
•     Allows the child to make decisions.
•     Is not mere rhetorical criticism.
•     Gives real message to the child that you truly want him to improve.

Lets see an example of how constructive criticism differs from destructive criticism:

Alex and Jack, both study in Second Grade. Both got ‘B’ grade in the mid term Maths test and ‘A’ grade in English. Lets see how their mothers respond:

Alex	John
Mom: I knew you can never get anything better than ‘B’ in maths. You always make careless mistakes. You never listen to me. How many times have I told you this… and .. that	Mom: Got an ‘A’ in English! That’s very good! That shows how hard did you work for English, and if you work a little harder in Maths, you could get an ‘A’ in Maths as well.
Destructive criticism	Constructive criticism

Click here to learn....How to criticize so that your child doesn't get hurt.

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Be a good listener

Kids are always on hunt for a good listener, and parents are the best audiances for them. Parents listening to their kids is the most important part of parent and child communication.

Each day children watch, hear and experience new things and they want to speak out what and how they feel about these new things. They find it extremely difficult to hold those little surprises, emotions and experiences within their little hearts. They are over excited to speak out all that.

All they want is a good listener, so that they can pour out all they have in their little hearts.

What if their own parents listen to them? perfect!

But if a child doesn’t get enough opportunity to speak out his emotions and little experiences, these unspoken words, emotions and experience remain unsatisfied, keep steaming up in the little heart and cook something else which later manifests in some other undesirable manner.

The distance between parents and children keeps on increasing … and then we complain of misbehavior.

Most of kids’ complaints dilute just by listening to them. All we need to do is let them speak as much they want and just listen to them patiently with an open mind. This satisfies their sense of importance as well and certainly improves the parent child relationship.


Do parents listen to their children?

Listening is the most basic communication skills, yet most parents are not good listeners. They never think it important to listen to their kids and then complain of their kids not listening to them. They are busy preaching their kids and telling them to do this or that. When the kids want to share their little thoughts, feelings, experiences, these parents find them childish and useless, stop them immediately and order them to do chores or studies.

They are practically deaf to their kids’ inner voice, and behave more like a dictator and less like a parent. All they do is talking and make the child listen, which should be the other way round. This brings complete communication breakdown between parents and kids.

Effect? … This arouses resentment in kids.

Result? … kids misbehave and go out of discipline.

If your child is out of discipline and you can’t understand why, it simply means you don’t know you child enough. This is because you never listened to your child to peep into his heart to see what is happening there. We can’t connect with our kids unless we listen to them a lot. Talking is fun for children and parents need to listen to them.


How to be a good listener

Here are some tips for parents on listening skill and communication with children:

•     Mind your body language
•     Acknowledge kid’s words and emotions
•     Undivided attention
•     Get involved
•     Encourage children to talk
•     Do not interrupt
•     Don’t be in a hurry to finish listening

1. Mind your body language

Remember! Most of our emotions are reflected through our body language. So better we mind our body language. Straighten the skin folds on your forehead, relax facial muscles, eye-brows, and other body muscles. Come close to the child, smile and look into his eyes. But don’t stare so hard that the child becomes uncomfortable. Pat on his back or give him a hug, or touch him affectionately. If you find it difficult, just smile. It makes the environment comfortable for the child. It also adds great emotional value to your communication with the child. Maintain the right body language and look into his eyes. Your body language should show that you are deeply interested in listening to your child.


2. Acknowledge kid’s words and emotions

Mere silence is not listening. It has to be something more than that. Keep sending him messages that you are listening to them intensely. How to do that? Acknowledge their feelings with the words- “oh” , “Mnn” …”, “I see” etc. and do it genuinely. Ask relevant questions. Do not fake.


3. Undivided attention

Remember how did we used to attend a girl-friend or boy-friend in younger days? We focused all our senses on him/her. Everything else was an interruption.

That’s undivided attention!

Most of the times what kids say is meaningless to us or not important enough to focus on. But for the child, it is like a UN conference. To the child, those are burning issues of his small world.

If you don’t pay attention, you are like a deaf and indifferent ruling party of his small country. This attitude would certainly ignite resentment in his heart. No wonderful he would be disobedient and defiant next time.

So pay full and undivided attention to him. Kids know when we are listening to them and when we are just pretending to listen.

If you don’t give undivided attention to kids, you are not communicating with kids at all. You are not in talking terms with them. Talking just to the point as and when necessary and just to remain under a roof is not communication.

While talking to kids, don’t do anything else at all. Let nothing come in the way of you and your kids when those not so important things are being discussed.

Stop what ever you are doing and listen to the child. This shows how much you love the child and how much is the child important to you.


4. Get involved

You can’t listen to kids attentively and intensely unless you are genuinely interested and involved in something the kid is talking about. It just won’t work. Parental involvement in the communication is a must.

You can do it only when you:

•     see the things from child’s point of view.
•     Feel what the child is telling you.
•     Feel as if the same thing is happening with you.
•     Feel as if you saw it with your own eyes and felt his emotion yourself.
•     Actively participate in the discussion.
•     express surprises and curiosity.

Once you are involved, your communication with the kids gets on to auto-pilot. Kids enjoy it.

Remember! Kids can sense it. They can tell you if you are listening to them or just pretending to listen.


5. Encourage children to talk

Encourage children to talk … about anything they want. Their words make the largest window to their heart. You can see almost everything lying there through this window. Yet, most of us choose to keep this window shut.

• Ask simple questions that the children would enjoy answering.
• Encourage them to tell an event with more expression, emotions, colors and mimicry and more.
• Encourage them to talk about their little achievements, and they will jump out of their soul to tell you so many things.
•  If you think they have difficulty in finding words, give them the right words.

6. Do not interrupt

Children have a special way of telling things. They break one simple sentences in so many parts, and repeat them quite often. They take a long time telling a small thing, which is irritating. Plus there are so many occasions when you disagree and tempted to interrupt. But don’t interrupt. Why? Because:

• You’ll break their natural flow of emotions.
• They might not pay attention to you because tons of words and expressions are dying to come out of them.
• Your interruption might begin an argument.

Just give them more space to expand and express their emotions and expression. No annoying cross questions please.


7. Don’t be in a hurry to finish it

If you are in a hurry to finish listening to your child, he suspects your sincerity and thinks that you are listening to him just for the sake of doing it. He ignores your expressions and gets alert when ever you listen to him next, even if you are doing it genuinely this time.

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Praising Words of Encouragement for Children

Praising words of encouragement
If your children don’t listen to you, praise them for their handwriting, speed, toys, shirt, bag, drawing, watch, dog, cat … anything you find good about … and they’ll listen attentively.

Speak some praising words of encouragement for children and they wouldn’t want to miss even a single word.

Have you ever noticed? … when your boss praises your work or encourages you in the morning, how delighted you are! You feel like pouring your heart in the work you do, even if there is no other good reason for that. The words of praise keep ringing sweet bells in your ears throughout the day. In the evening, you even tell your wife about it.

You are unconsciously happy about the boss who appreciates you. Next time your boss tells you some more work to do, you hesitate to say “no”.

Words of encouragment work like magic.

We can be easily led by people if they show appreciation for our work, ability, performance, belongings etc.

We are all alike … including kids.

Few words of appreciation get results where criticism and ridicule fail. Give honest and sincere appreciation and encouragement to kids and they would do anything for you. Parents’ daily words of encouragement condition this process permanently.

The purpose of praise is to genuinely appreciate the kids with a view to encourage them to make more efforts for improvement and success.

How do praising words of encouragement work?

The deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important’. Everybody is hungry for appreciation words. Praise is food for soul and self-esteem.

Praise makes us feel good. When we feel good, we do good. And when we do good, we feel good. Words of praise set a wonderful cycle into motion which keeps producing good results. Praise by gestures also produces same effects as verbal praise does.

Praise opens our mind and heart and sets them in acceptance mode. We’re naturally biased towards the one who praises us. We think he’s on our side and not on the other side. He seems like a close friend.

We want to please him and look for opportunity to favour him, even if we have to go out of the way for that purpose. We don’t want to annoy him because we want him to keep us in his good books and continue praising us. Saying ‘NO’ to him is a big task for us. We want to listen to this person more than anyone else.

AND NOW … this person is in a position to lead us.

We are all alike … including kids.

Positive words of encouragement and praise make a child feel important in his own little world. He walks on air… feels two inches taller that time. He’s in listening mode for whatever you say.

AND NOW … you are in a position to lead him.

Positive effect of words of appreciation on kids

Like every adult, every child wants to feel valued and appreciated. If you praise him for the good things he does, he is more likely to do good things again. Your praise helps him know good things about himself, which is first step towards developing those good things.

Parents’ appreciation is invaluable for the kids. If you show no interest and approval in the things they do right, you are encouraging and conditioning them not to do anything right.

Nothing kills the ambitions as criticism does. Replace criticism with appreciation and praising words of encouragement. When criticism is minimized and praise is emphasized, the good things kids do will be reinforced and the poorer things will eliminate.

The children who get frequent appreciation for the good things they do, feel good about themselves. Their self-esteem goes up. Based on their past good experiences, they take initiatives to do new things. They set new and higher goals for themselves.

This is the powerful effect of praise on a child’s personality.

Even if you have a highly defiant and spoiled child of the first order, there must be something positive about him. Try to find it and appreciate it in carefully chosen words of encouragement.

First few days there may not be any improvement and it might upset you. Slowly some of his faults will begin to disappear. He will start to do some things in the right way.

Keep praising for new things and you will keep finding new things as the time goes by. If you persist and give appreciation and praise in the right way, very soon you will notice great transformation in the child’s behavior.

Then it won’t be necessary to react the way you used to. He will be doing far more right things than wrong.

How many praising words of encouragement do we speak

… The exact opposite! We go mad when kids do something wrong, and say noting to praise our kids for numerous small things they do right in the course of daily life. The power of Praise is most under utilized at home.

Almost all of us are conditioned to be very quick to criticize and extremely slow and reluctant to find words of encouragement. Praising seems to be a burdensome task to us. Even if we notice good things about others, we avoid mentioning it to them. But we jump out of our soul to tell them their bad things. The whole world is like that.

When ever your child steps out of home, expect him to face same kind of reaction from the world. The whole world is waiting out there, eager to keep telling your kid what’s wrong with him. It’s our responsibility to tell him what’s right about him.

We are in the most advantageous position to promote our kids self esteem. Let’s not miss the opportunity.

You are in the best position to speak positive words of encouragement for your kids

The whole world might not know much about your kid. But you know a lot. If you can’t notice anything to praise him about, how can you expect the world to do so?

If we have the desire, we can find numerous good things about our kids in one single day. Don’t waste time in finding words for the perfect praise. Just keep our eyes and ears open and discover the little things we can appreciate our kids about, and TELL THEM ABOUT IT!

I am sure nobody needs a microscope to find good things about their kids.

How to use praising words of encouragement for children.

Praise the child for his efforts not for his intelligence or talents.

Don't overuse the praising words of encouragement for children. 

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Effective communication with children

Parent Child Communication

Communication is the most important component of any relationship. More so with kids. We pass on our values to our kids through Communication only.

Communication may be 'verbal' or 'non verbal'. Some times 'non verbal' communication has a more powerful impact than 'verbal' communication. 'Non-verbal' communication includes all kinds of emotional expressions, actions, body language, meaningless words or even being silent.

More than 300 years ago, Isac Newton laid down his third law of motion: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

This law best applies on communication. If we communicate something positive, it brings back something positive to us. Similarly, if we communicate something negative, it brings back something negative to us.

Kids can sense the underlying emotion and message of any communication, and they follow the Newton's third law religiously. They react with the same emotions. So they can't be blamed for any negative reaction.

You must have noticed that sometime kids easily agree to what we say but some other times they don't. Why does that happen?

In the first case, we unconsciously use some effective communication techinques, and in the second case we do just the opposite.

We can choose to be in harmony with the kids by learning Effective communication with children. Interested? Here are some effective practical tips:

Be a good listener

Parents listening to their kids is the first and most important part of parent and child communication.

Children have lots of things to talk about. All they want is an interesting listener, so that they can pour out all they have in their little hearts. This satisfies their sense of importance as well and certainly improves the parent child relationship. Talking is fun for children and parents need to listen to them. Yes, it needs lots of parental involvement.

If child doesn’t get enough opportunity to speak out his emotions and little experiences with his parents, the distance between parents and children keeps on increasing … and then parents complain of misbehavior.

Do parents listen to their children?

Listening is the most basic communication skills, yet most parents never do it. They are busy preaching their kids and telling them to do this or that. This brings complete communication breakdown between parents and kids.

Here are some tips for parents on how to be a good listener, and improve their listening skill and communication with children.

Words of encouragement and praises

If your child doesn’t listen to you, praise him for anything you find good about him and he’ll listen attentively. Few words of appreciation and praise get results where criticism and ridicule fail. If you praise him for the good things he does, he is more likely to do good things again.

You can maximize the power of praise by learning how to praise and encourage a child. But remember! everything has a limit. Over praising a child might do more harm than good. A revolutionary study teaches praise the child for his efforts not for his intelligence or talents.

Constructive criticism

You think you are improving kids by finding their faults and criticizing them. But do they really improve by our doing this? No one likes to be criticized … including kids. Rather criticism hurts ego and arouses resentment. Nothing kills enthusiasm as criticism does.

If you still find need to find faults in your child, tweak your words a little and convert your criticism into constructive criticism. Criticizing in a constructive manner improves child behavior. There are lots of ways to do that. Want to explore? Here’s how to criticize your child in a constructive manner.

Do not argue with your children

'If you win an argument, you lose a friend'. When we argue with someone, we directly attack his ego, and self-esteem and sense of pride. No one likes it … including kids. Every argument involves sharp criticism, which triggers hatred and resentment. Even if you think you have won the argument, you actually lose, because you have lost all prospects to have a good relation with that person ever in future. Every argument increases the distance between two persons.

When we argue with our kids, we complain, condemn, ridicule, scold, shout, humiliate and insult them. This makes the argument much more ugly and filthy. Does this correct the child’s behavior which triggered the argument? No way! The child will be more adamant than ever before. Result … things get messed up more than before. So, why argue with him?

But what if the child starts an argument and you have to face it? Here’s how to argue with your kids and win the argument.

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