Can Family Discipline Keep Your Family Together?

One thing that I have learn while being the father of twelve children and working with families for more than ten years is that to create and maintain family discipline is no picnic! It's time consuming, it drains your strength, and there is very little immediate positive feed back. (My children have NEVER said to me, "Thanks Dad for grounding me because I didn't study for my history test and flunked it.")

These are the obvious reasons why parents don't enforce family discipline. However there is also a more subtle reason; parents are afraid that strong family discipline will ruin their relationship with their children. They mistakenly feel that to put limits on their children's actions will cause that their children will grow up to hate them and that they will also pull away from the other family members. They therefore don't enforce rules and hope that the love that they have for their children will keep the family together.

This, however, is a TERRIBLE mistake because family discipline actually enhances family relationships between husband and wife, parents and children, and between the siblings. Here are some of the ways that it helps:





A disciplined family have set meal times. 

A proper meal at the table is usually more nutritious and healthy than "fast foods" eaten on the go, in front of the TV or in front of the computer screen. When you don't eat well you become crabby, quick tempered and irritable which are obviously not the emotions that make for good relationships. When our physical needs are met then we are more sociable, more accepting, and less critical. These are the emotional traits needed to build relationships.

A disciplined family eats together. 

Family meals help the family to bond and to connect with one and other.

And to quote Becky Hand, Licensed & Registered Dietician writing on the website sparkpeople.com "Family meals foster warmth, security and love, as well as feelings of belonging. It can be a unifying experience for all."

Members of disciplined families don't wait to do homework, chores, and obligations at the last minute. 

A positive outcome of this is that there is little stress in such a house. When we wait for the last minute to do what we have to do we are understandably very stressed and this is big strain on relationships.

Another reason that doing chores in a structured systematic way enhances family relationships is that it frees time to be together. 

To do chores in a sloppy way causes that there really is NO time for family members to communicate with each other. Everyone is just too busy running around in circles completing their obligations. However when everyone takes care of their duties in a structured way, there is "leftover"time to just sit around with other family members and bond.

A structured household helps to develop self control.

Self control is needed to "drop what you are doing" in order to do your chore and to complete that chore no matter how much you want to do something else.

Self control is the foundation of good relationships!

Think about the truth of this formula: good relationships are a function of good communication (no communication means no relationship) which is a function of good listening skills (when no one listens there is no communication) which is a function of self control.

Why is this so?

Two important elements of good listening skills are (1) To listen patiently to what the other person is saying and not to rush him to finish. And (2) not to interrupt the speaker. When you keep to these rules you will open up the communication path which in turn builds relationships. However, this is easier said than done. It takes tremendous self control to wait patiently until the end of a story that you find boring or not to interrupt a speaker when you have something to add. People, however, who grow up in a disciplined home, are already trained in this trait.

Routine makes a person feel secure. 

If you don't have to guess when the next meal is or when you'll be able to speak or see your parents then you will have an internal calmness and secure feeling. A person who feels insecure goes into relationships in order to fill his needs he is very controlling and it self centered. However, a secure person has a relationship that all gain; he gives and takes and the she gives and takes. Such a healthy relationship is long lasting.

In short, it's not always easy to create and maintain family discipline, especially if everyone is used to doing as they please.

To quote Dr. Noel Swanson in his wonderful book "Good Child Guide", "Life will probably get worse at first. Unless you are prepared for it, you may think that the new system is not working. Since things seem to be getting worse rather than better, you give up. Bad decision. You have to stick with this until you get over the hump."

Stick with it and you will see that the returns are surely worth the effort.

Do I Have To Follow Everyone's Parenting Advice?

Parenting is tough work and it is full of little traps. twists and turns! Parenting young children is challenging, parenting adolescents is challenging, and when you finally reach the stage of parenting young adults it is still challenging. Just when you think you have it right with your child, they go through yet another stage and all the rules change. Raising children is one of those skills that doesn't get easier with time but it seems to get more difficult!

Not only does each stage of your child's development present unique challenges, but every child also presents their own challenges. All children are different and respond to different methods of discipline and stimulus so that what worked for the first child might not work even for the 12th one! No one who has or had children will say that raising children is an easy task. It can be maddening!



Because there are so many parenting questions that do arise, wherever you go you hear some new parenting advice; on radio shows, in newspapers and a quick Google search of the word "parenting advice" shows 1,190,000 entries!

On the one hand this is good; with all the plethora of information you can surely find answers to all of your parenting questions. On the other hand, though, it can confuse you and make you lose your self confidence in your ability to deal with your unique child-parent relationship the way that "feels right" to you.

Here, though, are a few pieces of general advice to parents that the experts recommend to help you succeed in real life parenting.

Balance your needs with your kids.

Take care of yourself while you are taking care of your children. Don't allow your care of your children to be so all consuming that you neglect your own needs. After all, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to your children. Take some time to tend to yourself and take some personal, quiet time for yourself. Don't feel guilty for taking time to pamper yourself. You deserve it.

There is no "one child fits all" approach to parenting.

Like we said before, different children respond to different parenting strategies. Time out works for some kids while other children do not respond to it at all. Some children thrive in a structured environment, but other children become frustrated and anxious. You have to consider each child's personality before determining which parenting strategy to employ. Fit the discipline and educational strategies to the child, don't try to force the child to fit them.

Discipline as well as play should be age appropriate. 

While the punishment should fit the crime, it should also be age appropriate. For instance, if you use time out for your 10 year old, you can send them to their room for 30 minutes or even an hour. However, a 2 year old child would not understand this extended punishment and it would border on cruel and unusual because their attention span and understanding is so underdeveloped. A minute per year for very young children is usually very effective.

What our parents did back then may not work so great today. 

Parents Beware; times have changed! Our kids face today things that we as youngsters could never have imagined. This makes it difficult to model your own parenting style 100% after your parents' style because the world has changed so much. Try modifying some of your parents' tactics with modern twists. This way you can hold on to your traditional views, but make them work for today as well.

As a parent, you are preparing children to become productive members of society. 

Therefore the dividends that you, your child, and the whole world receives when you are an exceptional parent are humongous. However the pain and damage that poor parenting causes also affects the whole world. Don't treat your role as a parent lightly- the whole world is rooting for you.

Why Is It So Important To You To Have Good Family Relationships?

A fact of life: People are not born loners. We all want and need good relationships with others to be happy and to succeed in life. Don't be embarrassed of this, this is just how humans are "hardwired".

Another fact of life: Relationships are TOUGH. Each person wants something and it doesn't always fit in what the other one wants. This can cause deep emotional hurt.

A third fact of life: Family relationships are the toughest of all relationships. Think about it, you are close to the person, and probably lived in the same house together for many years. They know you, your quirks, your moods - and how to push your buttons.



Besides the fact that family members know "how to get you" your reaction to their criticism or rejection is also much more intense than your reaction to other people's criticism and rejection.

The reason for this is simply because there is so much at stake; the security that a family offers and your whole identity!

There is brighter side to the coin, however; even though family relationships are tough deep down inside every family member really wants to help each other.

Unfortunately good solid family relationships sometimes grow apart because of misunderstandings or other petty and trivial matters that were blown way out of proportion.

The good news is that the proper family relationships advice can help you to resolve these matters and restore the family relationships in ways that everyone gains.

The bully victims

The world is full of all sorts of bullies, including child bullies. There is hardly any place where there is no bully. That leads to another fact that world is full of bully victims as well. Any body could be a bully victim at any point of time.

However, some kids are more prone to bullying than others.



Most Common Bully Victims

Most of the bully victims are kids who are either:

  •     Too short or too tall
  •     Too fat or too thin
  •     Very good or very poor at studies
  •     Very good or very poor at extra curricular activities
  •     Having some physical malformation or deformity
  •     Clumsy looking

Silent bully victims

Victims of bullies go through tremendous mental pressure, harassment and humiliation. Bully victims are scared of the bully so much that they don’t want to tell it to anyone. Not even to their parents.

Firstly, because they are ashamed of telling about the humiliation they have been going through.

Secondly, they are scared. They think that if they tell it to the parents or the teachers, the bully would settle scores for that also and would be more furious than ever before.

Therefore, they choose to silently suffer all the miseries and keep the bully as ‘my secret bully’. This attitude encourages the bully as if the victim is telling the bully “Come, bully me more.”

Signs of bully victims

The body and mind of bully victims work together to show some signs about this suffering. If we, as parents and teachers, notice those signs, we can get a clue that the child could be bullied by someone. Then we can find ways to deal with the problem. A bully victim may show some of the following signs:

  • Doesn’t want to go to a specific place, mostly school or playground. These could be the places where the child is being bullied. Wants to go to places where there is no bully as they are stressed with being bullied and always thinking ways to get out of the bully clutch. The bully victim starts hating the place where he is being bullied and doesn’t want to go to such places. The child might be scared of a class bully, bully in school, a neighborhood bully or a playground bullies.
  • Talks to himself or cries during sleep. The child may even wet the bed. This happens because the incidents of bulling are dominating the child’s mind and he frequently has dreams about being bullied.
  • Insists you to drop him to the school. If the child is being bullied in the school bus, he doesn’t want to go to school by school bus. For the child, it is a Bully bus.
  • Looks lethargic or sick in the morning and seem better later during the day.
  • Doesn’t feel like studying.
  • Doesn’t speak well with confidence. Confidence level falls down.
  • Remains silent and doesn’t participate in normal daily life activities.
  • Wants to change his route to a specific place, like school or play ground. Because he is being bullied on the way to that place.
  • Stops eating and looses weight.
  • Eats too much, especially after coming from school. Because the bullies at school eats his lunch and he remains hungry.
  • Always short of pocket money. Because the bully snatches pocket money. The child insists to raise the pocket money. If we don’t raise it, the child may steal money only to give it to the bully.
  • Can’t give reasonable account of the pocket money.
  • Always looses his stationary items like pen, pencils, eraser etc., and can't explain if it is asked for. Because the bully snatches these things and the bully victims children tell us that these things were lost.
  • Doesn’t want to talk about the problem.
  • Tells lies and makes excuses about many things.
  • Suddenly become aggressive or may start bullying younger and weaker brothers, sisters, friends and neighborhood children etc. It happens because the child wants to ease out his frustration.
  • Usually returns home having scars, bruises, scratches, cuts etc. or with upset clothes and school bag.
  • May threaten or even attempt suicide.

Why do children bully

Causes of bullying: Why do children bully?

There is no universal reply to the question why do children bully. Usually a child bullies when he is insensitive to others' needs and desires and oversensitive about his own needs and desires. However, each child has to be analyzed as individual case.

Following are most common causes of why do children bully?:

  •     Bullying behavior
  •     Born Bully
  •     Trained Bully
  •     Temporary Bully
  •     Hardcore Bullies


Bullying behavior

Bullying is a behavior. Every behavior is either inherent or learned. Inherent behavior is what a child is born with. Learned behavior is something that the child has learned from surrounding people and environment. Click here to read more about child behavior.

On the same analogy, Bullying is either inherent or learned from others. If your child is a bully, you need to ascertain whether he is a born bully or he has learned this behavior from others. It may be a case of mix of both inherent and learned behavior.


Born Bully


A born bully starts bully behavior even when he is a toddler, though the symptoms are milder. If we are sure that the child is behaving that way ever since toddler stage and there has been no source to teach aggressive or bullying things to him, we can conclude that the child is inherently like that.

If that is so, consult developmental therapist, occupational therapist, child psychologist or psychiatrists.

Some child may have some different type of neurological constitution. An example is ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) kids. These kids are very impatient, impulsive, energetic and extremely active. These traits make them bully when they don’t get what they want. Click here to find out more about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) kids.

ADHD is just one example. There are more and could be many more minor or major disorders which need to be examined.

If we have notice the behavior of the child and we rule out the inherent behavior, we can focus on the learned behavior.


Trained Bully

A child who is otherwise peace loving and normal by birth may also turn into a bully if he finds an aggressive or bullying atmosphere in the family, where he finds everybody being insensitive to others. The family members have problem in sharing feelings and belongings. Nobody in the family is affectionate. There is a culture of violence in the family.

Parent of bullies are inconsistent on the issues of discipline and consequences. They aren’t bothered about the behavior of their kids. They don’t even think it necessary to monitor their kids’ activities. Physical punishment is very common in such families.

The bonds between parents, children and siblings aren’t very strong. Being angry on petty things, pushing, pulling, slapping is a common behavior. Violent movies, TV shows and video games add fuel to the fire.

The child learns this behavior and with the passage of time he is fully trained into a Bully. The child doesn’t even realize that something is wrong with that kind of behavior, because he doesn’t come across any sensitive behavior to compare with.


Temporary Bully

Some kids bully all the time at all the places. These are habitual bullies. On the other hand there may be kids who are not bully otherwise but they may bully sometimes. These are temporary bullies. The reason for temporary bulling may be:

suffering from some trauma like death of a parent, relative, close friend or pet, parents’ divorce, birth of a new baby, boredom or frustration, being under pressure to succeed at all costs etc.


Hardcore Bullies

The root causes for habitual or hardcore bullies are different from temporary bullies. Every such child might be having a different reason for bullying. Some of the common reasons are:

  •     Desire of being powerful and popular
  •     Pampered and spoiled Bullies
  •     Reaction to bad experiences
  •     Unaware Bully
  •     Having Fun


1. Desire of being powerful and popular

Bullies are generally bigger and stronger than their victims and they use intimidation to get what they want. They like the feeling of being powerful and in charge of the scene. They believe that aggression and violence is the only way to get things done their way. Power makes them feel good about themselves. They feel like tough super heroes that they see in comics and movies.


2. Pampered and spoiled Bullies

Some parents pamper their children to the extent of spoiling them. They fulfill all of their kids’ desires. They don’t teach their kids to differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. This makes the kids realize that it is acceptable to demand any thing at anytime. It also teaches them to misbehave if their desires aren’t fulfilled. They try to impose this behavior on everybody expecting everyone to do what they say.


3. Reaction to bad experiences

Some kids are themselves victim of abuse or bullying at home, school or playground, and take out their anger and humiliation on others. They may be bullied by their sister, brother or even their own parents. Some kids are bullied when they're younger, and they turn into a bully themselves when they are a few years older.

Some kids might have problems in more than one areas of their life like studies, communication, playing etc. Something or someone is making them feel insecure, inadequate, humiliated or having no sense of accomplishment. Bullying makes them feel better.

Their parents, siblings, teachers or peers might have been neglecting them. With the passage of time the feeling of being ‘neglected’ grows into the feeling of being ‘rejected’. They look for opportunities to grab attention of their peers, teachers and parents. Acting bully makes them feel that other are paying attention to him.

Some kids might be jealous of the victim because people like the victim for some of his qualities. Bully has a strong desire to dominate and overpower this victim.


4. Unaware Bully
Some bully don't even know that their behavior is hurting others so much and how it makes the victim feel. In fact, you may be a bully yourself and not know it, and wonder why do children bully.


5. Having Fun

Some bullies enjoy troubling others for fun only. They know that they are hurting others. But they do it because they enjoy seeing others crying, being hurt, in pain.

How to handle a bully child

13 steps on 'How to handle a bully child'

Handling bullies is not a piece of cake. But if we have a bully kid, we have no choice but to try everything available on earth to stop this behavior. Remember Bullying is more harmful for the bully than the victim.

The following strategies would certainly help you in your mission.

  •     Accept the fact that your child is a bully
  •     Keep your cool
  •     Talk to the child
  •     Unconditional apology
  •     Unconditional love
  •     Collecting information
  •     Analysis of information
  •     Understanding your bully: finding root cause of bullying
  •     Chalk out 'Stop Bully' Plan & stretegy
  •     Eliminate the root cause that promotes bullying
  •     How to help bullies grow out of bullying
  •     Contact the School
  •     followup


1. Accepting the fact that your child is a bully

I know it is not that easy. Nobody likes to accept facts like this. But we can’t solve a problem as long as we don’t accept it as a problem. One we recognize and accept a problem with a constructive frame of mind, our mind starts working on it and keeps finding ways to solve it. Necessity has always been the mother of all inventions. But the necessity must be accepted first.

Wake up to this issue as soon as you get any complaint from any body about your child having bullied anybody anywhere, even to a mild extent. Accept it ... and take it seriously. Take action NOW before it is too late to solve.


2. Keeping your cool

Keeping a cool mind is the key to solve any problem. If we get too much emotionally involved in this, we would lose track and start emotionally vomiting on the child. Do not scold the child for this as this would make the situation worse. Scolding is a kind of bullying. Scolding would reinforce the bully behavior in the child. He learns that elders can bully younger by scolding them. Have patience to collect all information to solve the issue.


3. Talk to the bully child

Talk to the child. But only when there is no one else around the place and you have enough time to discuss. Talk with a cool mind. Without loading your words with humiliation, insult or any other negative emotion. Tell him that you have come to know that he has been bullying around. Be brief. Do not quote any specific incident in finer details.

Let the child explain his side also. He should not be held guilty unheard. But beware. Check his story. He may be telling lies to save him. Double check his story.

Tell him in a neutral but assertive tone that the bully behavior is not acceptable and he has to stop the bully behavior right away. Tell him that you take it very seriously and it disturbs you a lot, and if he continues to bully, there are consequence.


4. Unconditional Apology


Make the child apologize to the victim … unconditionally. Apology should be one to one with the victim. Do not involve anybody else in this. The bully child wouldn’t like to apologize. He might make faces doing it. But this is a must. The child has to get the feel of the humiliation that he caused to the victim. This would also make it very clear to the bully that bullying is not acceptable at all. Let it be in a lonely place. This would be a little comfortable for the bully.


5. Unconditional love


While we are working with the problem, we need to send a message to our little bully that we love him unconditionally irrespective of the fact that he bullies. Do not assign him a permanent role of bully. Do not pass insulting or sarcastic remarks. This would send a negative message. Do not let the issue of bullying affect any other aspect of the family life. Let all other things go in a normal routine. Do not forget to keep hugging the child and telling him that you love him.


6. Collecting Information


Before finding ways to correct the problem, we need to collect all the facts and information about the problem. These can be collected from the school teachers, classmates, neighborhood children, relatives’ and friends’ children, especially who are younger or weaker than our children. We need to keep collecting the information time to time so that we can monitor the degree of the bullying over a period of time during which we can start the process of correcting the bullying behavior. See if there is any similarity or pattern in the incidents of bullying.


7. Analysis of information

When we have collected all the information, we need to analyze the bullying events. This would help us in identifying bullies pattern. There can be lots of things to be gone into. Some of them could be:

  •     Is there any similarity in these events?
  •     Are the target victims always one kind of kids?
  •     Is the place of occurrence always the same?
  •     Is the time of occurrence always the same?
  •     Does the child bully when he is supported or encouraged by another bully?
  •     Does the child bully only for one type of reason or demand?
  •     Is he always violent?
  •     Does he always call names?
  •     Does he use any particular bad words and language?
  •     Does he bully after occurrence of any specific incident?
  •     Does the child feel good by hurting others?
  •     Does he feel that he is bigger and stronger than his peers and use this as a tool to tease others?
  •     Has he been bullied by someone sometimes and feel like bullying others to avenge?
  •     what are his hobbies?
  •     What kind of friends he has?
  •     what kind of games he plays?
  •     Does he share his belongings? Etc.

Collecting and analyzing information would reveal a lot of new things about the bully. On the basis of the analysis, we can identify what kind of bully the child is. Is he temporary bully or hard core bully? He is abusive bully or violent bully? What things encourage the behavior and what are the things that discourage the behavior? Etc.


8. Understanding our bully: finding root cause of bullying

Understanding bullies from their point of view would give us valuable in depth understanding of the problem. We need to have a bond with the child so that the child can talk to us open heartedly. We need to find out what does the child feel like while bullying. If he enjoys it, we need to find out some other acceptable behavior where he can enjoy without hurting anyone, and replace that behavior with bullying.

There are lots of reason for why do kids bully. Every child might have a different reason to bully. Based on the analysis of the information, we can find out what triggers the bully behavior in the child? Is the behavior inherent or Learned. If the root cause is an inherent behavior only, we need to take steps accordingly. Fix appointments with a doctor, developmental therapists, child-psychologists etc. and explore why your child bullies.

If we totally rule out the Inherent behavior, we need to find the sources from where the child could have possibly learned that behavior. Click here to read how to find the source of a learned behavior. We need to look at ourselves first, what kind of source we are to teach behavior to our kids. Parents are the biggest influence on the child’s behavior.


9. Chalk out 'Stop Bully' Plan & Strategy

Knowing most of the things about the bullying behavior of the child, we can chalk out a plan to correct the problem. We need to select some discipline techniques and ascertain the degree of these techniques. For temporary bullies, milder action might be suitable. But for hardcore Bullies, severe and consistent steps need to be taken. Choose your discipline techniques carefully. Consequences are okay but never use physical punishment. It will teach violence to the child. It will also teach that it is okay for a big and strong to physically assault a younger and weaker. The basic thing we need to teach the child to treat others the way we like to be treated.


10. Eliminating the root cause that promotes bullying

By this time you know the root cause of the problem. Make sure you eliminate all the root causes to their maximum extents. Ensure the child does not remain in the company of other kids who help, support or motivate the child to bully. Removing things which motivate the child to bully and apologizing would break the bully pattern. The next step is to replace the negative things with some positive things.


11. How to help bullies grow out of bullying

We can’t change the bully unless bully cooperates in the process. The bully wouldn’t want to change. We need to help the bully child grow out of the bully behavior himself. Here are some suggestions:

  • Start some activities where the child learns that love and attention can be gained by doing some thing positive, which makes him feel good. If we feel good, we do good. And when we do good we feel good. Once he does something good, he will feel good.
  • Help the child develop new things to do where involvement of other child, waiting for turns.. etc.. are involved. Keep a watch on the activities.
  • Encourage friendship with other new friends who don’t bully.
  • Teach some social techniques to the children.
  • Motivate the child to be friendly with the victim. Encourage their friendship.
  • Try and Pick up some good anger management technique, learn them yourself first and once you have attained some grasp over it, teach them to the bully. It would be a life long investment.
  • Encourage the child to involve in some social activities like donating old toys and old clothes to poor kids and societies, helping handicapped children, working with mentally retarded children etc.
  • Praise and Reward the child for any of his kind, caring and compassionate behavior. It will reinforce the thought that there are better ways to attract attention of others.


12. Contact the School


Parents of bully should contact schools and support school’s Anti Bullying Programme. They should also meet the victims and their parents. This will provide them valuable information which would help in improving the behavior of the bully child.


13. Follow up

Keep a track of the child’s behavior. Keep collecting information about it. Analyze the events. Make appropriate changes in the plan and strategy if the need be. Be consistent unless the bully tendencies eliminate altogether.

Bully Types

Bullying is a tendency of intentionally hurting others without sufficient reasons. Threatening to hurt is also bullying. ‘Hurt’ may be physical, verbal, non-verbal, social or sexual.

Various Bully Types

Following are the most common bully types.

1. Physical bullying

  •     Hitting, kicking, pushing, spitting, intimidating
  •     Snatching, stealing, hiding, breaking or spoiling belongings of others
  •     Making others do things they don't want to do


2. Verbal Bullying

  •     Name-calling, humiliating, teasing, ridiculing, insulting
  •     Sarcasm, making fun beyond a point
  •     Saying or writing nasty things about others


3. Non-Verbal Bullying

  •     Making offending gestures
  •     Mimicking the physical activity, disability or postures of others


4. Social bullying

  •     Refusing to talk to victim
  •     Spreading rumors about someone
  •     Making someone behave in a manner he doesn't want to behave
  •     making someone feel uncomfortable or scared
  •     leaving someone out of group activities


5. Sexual bullying


  •     Vulgar remarks and gestures
  •     unwanted physical contact


6. Cyber bullying

Using

  •     mobile phones
  •     e-mails
  •     websites
  •     cameras

or any other gadgets to hurt others by sending unpleasant messages, photos or clips.

All forms of bullying severely damage the victim emotionally. Most of the times a bully mixes more than one of these bully types.

The Bully Child

About 75% of the people in jail have been bully at some point of time in their childhood. Isn’t this an indicator that a bully child could be a potential criminal in future?

Looking at the other side, two third of the total shooting incidents in schools in America are the cases where the victims shot at the bullies out of revenge.

Isn't all this scaring?

If yes, read on … and If no, just check out and make sure that your child isn't a bully. Parents of a bully child are the last persons to know that their child is a bully.

Bullying is extremely dangerous for the bully child. Bully child is a potential a human bomb. It has to explode sometime time somewhere. It is only a matter of time. It might explode after 10-15 years. The right time to defuse this time bomb is NOW. … without wasting any time any longer. Prevention is always better than cure. kid boy bully pirate


Parents of Bullies

Most of the times parents of bullies are not bothered about this problem even if they have seen their kid bully around. It happens because their child never complains anything about it. The child does not complain because he is not the victim but the cause himself.

When ever any school or society calls for a meeting on the issue of bullying, the number of parents of bully children is hopelessly low. Parents of Bully child don’t feel any necessity to go to such meetings. They think that it is meant for the parents of the victims only.

In fact it is the other way round. Bullying does more harm to the bully than the victim. The victim may move away from the bully to other areas of life in future and he may not remain victim of this bully child any longer. But this bully child gets more motivated and turn into a bigger bully and might sometime turn into a criminal and land into a prison.


Common Characteristics of the bully child

Some of the common characteristics of the bully children are:

  •     Insensitive to others
  •     Impulsive, can’t wait for his turn
  •     Easily gets angry
  •     Dominating attitude
  •     Aggressive behavior
  •     Low tolerance level
  •     Over asserting himself
  •     Tendency to intimidate younger and weaker kids
  •     Tendency to break rules
  •     Criminal tendencies


What does bullying teach a bully?

Bullying teaches a child that :

  •     Violence, aggression and threats are acceptable behaviors
  •     Aggression is the only way to deal with people
  •     Bullying easily get them what they want
  •     It is easy to victimize people
  •     Respect can be earned only by terrorizing other and not loving others


Bully vs Victim

The Bully is generally bigger and stronger than the victim. Most of the times he is with his gang of friends who encourage him to bully the victim. Victim is generally alone or with other victims. The bully always has fun and enjoys bullying, while victim always feels pain, misery and distress.


The vicious circle of Bullying

Bullying creates a vicious circle. It makes the victim scared of the bully, which encourages the bully and makes it easier for him to bully the victim again and again. Repeated bullying keeps adding to the intensity and makes the victim more scared and the circle keeps on going … unless the pattern is broken by somebody outside this vicious circle.

- Bully types - various kinds of bullies.
- For parents of bullies - How to handle a bully child.
- Why do children bully?
- Who are bully victims?

Father Forgets

Father Forgets' was first published several decades ago. Since then it has been published several times in well known books and magazines including 'Readers Digest'. The famous author Dele Carnegie found it worth inserting it in his best seller ‘How to win friends and influence People’.

I would like you to read this article before finding indiscipline in your children ... and much before reading any further on child behavior or child discipline.



Father Forgets

Listen, son:
I am saying this as you lie asleep,
one little paw crumpled under your cheek and
the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone.
Just a few minutes ago,
as I sat reading my paper in the library,
a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.
Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking,
son: I had been cross to you.
I scolded you as you were dressing for school
because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.
I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.
I called out angrily
when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too.
You spilled things.
You gulped down your food.
You put your elbows on the table.
You spread butter too thick on your bread.
And as you started off to play
and I made for my train,
you turned and waved a hand
and called, 'Goodbye, Daddy!'
and I frowned, and said in reply,
'Hold your shoulders back!'

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.
As I came up the road I spied you,
down on your knees, playing marbles.
There were holes in your stockings.
I humiliated you before your boyfriends
by marching you ahead of me to the house.
Stockings were expensive -
and if you had to buy them you would be more careful!
Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember,
later, when I was reading in the library,
how you came in timidly,
with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?
When I glanced up over my paper,
impatient at the interruption,
you hesitated at the door.
'What is it you want?' I snapped.
You said nothing,
but ran across in one tempestuous plunge,
and threw your arms around my neck
and kissed me,
and your small arms tightened
with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart
and which even neglect could not wither.
And then you were gone,
pattering up the stairs.

Well, son,
it was shortly afterwards
that my paper slipped from my hands
and a terrible sickening fear came over me.
What has habit been doing to me?
The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding
- this was my reward to you for being a boy.
It was not that I did not love you;
it was that I expected too much of youth.
I was measuring you
by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine
and true in your character.
The little heart of you
was as big as the dawn itself
over the wide hills.
This was shown by your spontaneous impulse
to rush in and kiss me good night.
Nothing else matters tonight, son.
I have come to your bedside in the darkness,
and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement;
I know you would not understand these things
if I told them to you during your waking hours.
But tomorrow
I will be a real daddy!
I will chum with you,
and suffer when you suffer,
and laugh when you laugh.
I will bite my tongue
when impatient words come.
I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:
'He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!'

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.
Yet as I see you now, son,
crumpled and weary in your cot,
I see that you are still a baby.
Yesterday you were in your mother's arms,
your head on her shoulder.
I have asked too much, too much.

- W. Livingston Larned,

Did Father Forgets move your heart a bit? If yes, explore this site. There is a lot of stimulating material on this site for emotionally charged parents and teachers ... without going into psychological grammar.
If you have an experience, incident or story like Father Forgets, contact us  to share it with us. We'll publish it on our blog.

Parents Fighting Hurts Children

Most parents disagree with their spouses on one or the other issues on various occasions. No one agrees on everything. Disagreeing with each other is natural and normal. But how you, as parents, handle conflicts with one another has a lasting impact on your children, their emotional health, and the decisions they will make about relationships later in life.

If both the spouses are normal in their behavior, mature enough to understand the issues in the right perspective, and sensitive towards each other, they know how to deal with their differences in peaceful and respectful manner.

But, that happens rarely.

Most of the times, either one or both of the parents deal with their differences in unpleasant manner and this is how parents’ fighting begins.

Even if one spouse is normal, mature and sensitive enough, the other fighting spouse does not let this one settle the differences peacefully.

Children not only need both parents but they need both happy parents.




Parents Fighting—It’s a Scary Time For Kids

It starts out as a simple disagreement or misunderstanding, but soon it escalates into harsh words and yelling or screaming. In some homes there will be tears and even physical pushing, shoving, or hitting. No, it’s not the children who are out of control. It’s the parents. They’re fighting . . . again.

As hard as fighting is on you and your spouse, and as emotionally draining as it is on the two of you, parents fighting is even harder on the children. When parents are out of control, it totally rocks a child’s world. Because if the parents—who are essentially the center of the universe for a small child—aren’t solid and stable and reasonable, then it seems absolutely nothing in their world is. And the child’s security is destroyed.

When parents fight, children feel the tension and the hostility. They become physically and emotionally upset themselves. You can see it in their faces and their body language, even if they don’t say it with words. They may cringe, cower, or hide. Some children hold their breath, start to hyperventilate, or get nauseous. Others will cry. All of them—regardless of how they do or do not show it or say it—are scared stiff.

Parents Fighting—“It’s not my fault, is it?”

Because children have little frame of reference and the world they live in is small, centering on themselves and their families and their limited exposure in life, they think everything that happens is directly related to them. And it is, of course, but not in the way that children think.

When parents fight, regardless of what parents are fighting about, many children blame themselves, thinking that somehow they might have been able to prevent the blow up, even when it wasn’t triggered by anything the child did or did not do.

If it is pre-empted by a situation involving the child or even a discussion about the child, they think that if only they had been “good,” their parents fighting wouldn’t be happening. Children internalize the problem and develop anxiety when parents fight.

Even though there is absolutely nothing they can do to change the circumstances, the fear eats at them from the inside out, doubts and insecurities fill their world, and they begin to suffer from low self-esteem.

Lasting Images of Parents Fighting

Many children carry lasting images of their parents fighting from their childhoods, long into adulthood. Memories of particular fights can traumatize children and stay with them forever.

In particular, if there is physical abuse in the home, the images of parents fighting will remain, never to be erased. For children, living in a home where parents are fighting and violence is a part of “everyday” life, it’s like living in a war zone. Children in these circumstances can suffer all sorts of dysfunctions too numerous to list—from bed wetting to learning disabilities to recurrent nightmares or headaches or stomach aches to ulcers. Children who must learn to survive in this kind of environment are suffering from incredible stress.

If You Watched Your Parents Fighting, You Learn Fighting—Or Peace Keeping.

Children learn behaviors and norms from the people closest to them—their parents. But if a family is dysfunctional, they will also learn that dysfunctional behavior. When a child grows up with parents fighting all the time, they either come to think of that as “normal” and become fighters themselves—frequently bullying other children or needing to have control in their other relationships—or they recognize that it is not normal and will do anything to avoid it. In the latter case, they become children who are altogether unassertive, giving in whenever there is a conflict or disagreement about anything, because they would rather keep the peace at all costs than risk an argument.

Neither of these approaches is healthy or effective in the long term. Children—and all people really—need to learn how to resolve conflicts in a calm, peaceful manner through effective communication techniques. But the children of battling adults have no role model to teach them this necessary skill. Children learn by example—and the children of parents who are always fighting—will struggle with relationship issues all their lives because they never learned how to communicate, compromise, and get along with others. They had no positive example to follow.

The Long-Term Effects of Parents Fighting

Most parents—especially those who don’t physically brawl with each other or consider their relationship abusive—don’t realize how much of an effect their fighting has on their children. While they can easily see how the extreme circumstances in other people’s homes could traumatize children, they fail to see that their own arguments and disagreements may be impacting their own children.

When children grow up in a home where the parents fighting is out of control, the child’s security is snatched away, and the child feels out of control of anything in his or her young life. The child doesn’t learn effective discipline techniques—not even how to exercise self-discipline. The trauma from the memories of the fighting can cause the children of fighting parents to avoid relationships or marriage because they fear repeating the cycle. In other cases, the children do grow up, enter into relationships, and repeat the cycle.

Even in families where parents fighting is not an extreme problem, parents should remember that what they do and say, and more importantly, how they act toward one another, influences their child, their child’s self-esteem, and their child’s short- and long-term emotional health, as well as their future relationships. One of the best things parents can do for their children is to set a healthy example when they do not see eye to eye and to seek counseling, if necessary, to develop more effective communication and conflict resolution techniques if fighting is an issue in their home.

Have A Great Story About Child Descipline?

You have been a child. And now you are a parent. You must have come across so many memorable stories in your journey from a child to a parent.

Which is the best story you have? Something that moved your heart, or something that makes you smile even today.

Were you a naughty child? how did your parents handle you?

Do you want to share with us any of such incidents? Something that moved your heart, or something that makes you smile even today.

  • Did your parents punished you physically?
  • Do you punish your children physically?

Share your memories and thoughts with the whole world. We'll publish it on our blog, so that the whole world can read it.


And don't forget to upload a picture, if you have one. Tell us more things about the picture. Let the whole world watch your story.

Your Story


I was "Beaten" and I lived to tell my story
When I was a child I was a hellian. I was a very curious boy. If mom told me not to touch the stove I wanted to know how hot it actually was, so I touched ...


Spanking is NOT BEATING!
No normal parent (myself included)wants to spank their child but there are times when children push boundries too far and physical intervention is necessary....

My Thoughts
I am pro corporal punishment. I was punished with corporal punishment as a child and teen and I also use corporal punishment on my kids.


Ignorant Morons
I very seriously hope that someone reads this. You can tell a child no, and teach them what no means. If you can't do that you aren't a very good parent....

Sad Momma
I am not sure where to start... A little background, maybe. I have three children, a 9 yr old, 5 yr old and a 3 yr old. My 9 yr old is actually not mine,

I was Abused...
Ever since I can remember, my father was always very abusive to me emotionally, mentally, physically, verbally. He used to tell me words like You are worthless,

I was Abused...

Ever since I can remember, my father was always very abusive to me emotionally, mentally, physically, verbally. He used to tell me words like "You are worthless, I'm as so sorry you are my daughter." Other times he would say to me "Nobody is ever going to love you." And he would say many bad words in often times. He would tell me that I was a very dumb (in stronger words) person. He used to tell me that I was so ugly and fat that he compared me to people on television.

He also used to spank me for any little reason he would come up with. Growing up was very hard for me because I wanted to commit suicide many times. I would wet my bed up to when I was 13 years old.

I had an alcoholic uncle living with us, and I started getting drunk at 13, with my uncles beers. My self esteem was so low, I don't even know if I had one.

I grew up very depressed, very insecure about my self, and really, I hated myself because of everything that I went through. When people would tell my dad that he was being to hard on me, he would always say that was his way of showing me and my brother love.

I grew up, became a teenager and at the age of 14 I decided I was going to lift weights so I can beat up my dad. I had so much anger and hate towards him that I can remember sometimes at night, I would hear a voice in my head tell me to go to the kitchen, get a kniffe and stab him in the heart. I was so close to doing that about two times, but I was afraid.

My father and me never had a good relationship, I wouldn't talk to him or even look at him in his face, that is how much I hated him for everything he did to me.

At this point, I was using drugs and getting drunk very often, all alone in my room. I got to the point when I would say I would never get married because I hated men. My life was such a disaster in many ways. I had so much anger in my heart, that I was so unhappy.

I remember crying my self to sleep almost every night, wanting to die, so I can just get some peace in my life. When ever I used to see girls my age, be hugged by their father, I would hate it so much, that I felt so angry and sad inside my heart, because I never had that.

When I turned 20, I got obsessed with getting thin, so I would hopefully get a diseases and die, so I stopped eating and I would only eat 2 protein bars. I was getting so thin, and I thought it would work for me. But I met these people who started inviting me to a Christian church. I was so hurt inside I just wanted something to happen. When I heard that there was somebody who loved me, I wanted to know that somebody. It was Jesus Christ. I gave my life to Jesus and thankfully, I stopped drinking, using drugs, and my life turned around to the better. I feel like God really healed my heart from all that abuse.

It was a process that I went through for years of professional help at church. Sadly, I don't have a relationship with my dad, I have been on my own for 10 years, but now at 30, I just got married to a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally, and who makes me very happy.

Abuse is something that hurts a child very strongly that stays in their heart for ever. I might of been healed but I will never forget all those years of abuse.

I can say it takes away a kids life. I child who is abused, has no life. Their body is there but their heart is broken. I hope my story helps people who went through the abuse, or who are abusing their kids.

Maybe they don't know they are doing that, but I hope my story help somebody in some way.

Submitted by Veronica (Baldwin Park, CA)

I was "Beaten" and I lived to tell my story.

When I was a child I was a hellian. I was a very curious boy. If mom told me not to touch the stove I wanted to know how hot it actually was, so I touched it. My mom stood there as I cried and reminded me that I was told it was hot.

After a few minutes of pain she did what mothers do and got me some ice to ease the pain and a big bowl of ice cream. I guess she figured there was no need for a swat after the pain I went through.

Later in life when I was about 10, my family bought camper. It was a beautiful white. Me, being the moron I was, I thought it needed a little touch of "color". I found dad's collection of spray paint. I grab the brightest most neon orange I could find. I did my best as I painted a large orange circle on the back.

It took a few days but Dad found my painting. When I was asked if I painted the camper I promply responded with a sharp crisp "no". I was quickly found out by the orange residue on my fingers.

Dad asked me one more time. Again, I said no. He asked me why my fingers were orange. I didn't know what to say. He looked at me and told me he didn't want to spank me but it was the only way I was going to learn.

Did it sting? Yes. Did I do it again? No. Do I hate my father? Hell no. I am grateful for the quick painful swats.

Now, I am a US Marine and pursuing a degree in communication. I talk to my parents everyday and I have actually thanked them for the ways they have disciplined me. Every kids needs a solid swat now again.

Submitted by Chad (Seattle, WA)

Sad Momma

I am not sure where to start...

A little background, maybe. I have three children, a 9 yr old, 5 yr old and a 3 yr old.

My 9 yr old is actually not mine, but my stepdaughter, who loves basketball, soccer and plays the piano. My 5 yr old loves school, cars and Tae Kwon Do. My 3 yr old is beautiful, energetic and has Autism Spectrum Disorder.

We have learned a lot this year about patience dealing with Autism. But, every so often, the kids (all three) have had a spank on the bum or a pop on the mouth, sent to the corner, or to their rooms.

As long as I have been married, we have always had some sort of dispute with "the mom". Meaning, we are never doing what she feels is right by her rules and regulations.

Over 6 years, we have gone to court for fighting more time (more than the 30% deemed) with said 9 yr old. Muscled through psychological evaluations fighting allegations of past abuse and poor parenting. We eventually were granted more time, though little it was, and abuse allegations were never substantiated.

We have always been nurturing of the family the 9 yr old lives with (mom, stepdad and new brother). Never mock, talk rudely about, and remind 9 yr old to call to chat to them during our parenting time.

Now, once again, we find ourselves having to fight to prove we are innocent. As I mentioned before, our kids are disciplined with spanks. But never to the fear of abuse. Until now.

9 yr often gets leeway at "the mom" house. Gets to pick what is for dinner, doesn't do chores and gets sassy often. At our house, we are fair, you eat what is put in front of you and you speak with respect to everyone. One weekend with us, 9 yr old was sassy while being chatted to about name calling and got a pop in the mouth after back chatting. No marks left, but startled and surprised the 9 yr old. She instantly stated that "mom said I could call the authorities if you ever laid a hand on me."

A day later... a nasty threat by "the mom", a police interview done and child services home interview on its way, I wonder what is child abuse? The occasional spank on the bum or pop to the mouth, or "letting the children do things their own way without any control". Who is causing more harm to this child/ren? What is this child learning about what they can and cannot get away with? What kind of person is this child going to grow in to?

Did we really abuse our 9 yr old?

Submitted by Sad Momma (USA)

Spanking is NOT BEATING!...

No normal parent (myself included) wants to spank their child but there are times when children push boundaries too far and physical intervention is necessary.

As a child my parents spanked me maybe two to three times that I remember and I DESERVED IT! Most of the time my mother just had to look at me for me to know I went too far and for the most part that was enough of a deterrent.

I do the same with my kids. They know when I mean business and they act accordingly. They have some fear of the consequences and that I keep MY WORD as to what will happen if they choose not to listen. Because I instilled this respect with them at a young age I rarely had to spank them. All that was needed was a look or something said at the right tone for the meaning to come across.


The first and most important thing in raising children is to instill the fact that you are the PARENT AND NOT THEIR FRIEND! If you are worried about them "loving" you then you will wind up on Dr. Phil or worse Jerry Springer.


One more point I would like to make is when I read all the "anti-corporal punishment" arguments they all skew from what I would call beatings!


If someone can't distinguish the difference between smacking a kid in the behind and punching them with a closed fist...then all I can say is "they" need some counseling not the parent who knows the difference.

Not only that but coddling a child to the point that they have no fear for any consequence because your worried about their spirit is more detrimental to them in the long run.

Society has no worries about instilling FEAR in people who break the law! What do you think prison or jail is? It's punishment..period.

When a teen breaks the law what happens?.. Time-out. no they are punished not coddled. Most kids today think they are entitled to everything and don't want to work for any of it. And parents are to blame for most of their dysfunction.

Teach your kids right and wrong from the beginning and hopefully they will grow up to be descent human beings. Look at Donald Trumps kids... I don't think he coddled them growing up.

Be their parent not their friend and you will have done your job and they will love and respect you for it for the rest of their lives.


Submitted by Caring Parent (NY USE)

Against Corporal Punishment

The people who are against corporal punishment argue the following negative effects of corporal punishment:
Negative effects of Corporal Punishment: Arguments against Corporal Punishment

  • Scared Child
  • Short term effect
  • Psychological effect on the child
  • Hatred towards the parents
  • Parents' guilt feeling
  • Children learn violence
  • Unhealthy environment at home
  • Children avoid activities altogether
  • Making of a bully
  • Immunity against Corporal Punishment
  • Branding the child
  • No harm from beating received in childhood?
  • Adulthood of physically punished child: Long term effects

1. Scared Child

Physical punishment settles fear and phobias in child's mind. Beating shakes the whole body-mind constitution of the child. The whole physiology and psychology comes to an alarming situation. It is immensely painful.

Signs and symptoms of scared children

  • Body trembling or shaking
  • High blood pressure
  • Testicles squeeze upwards
  • Palpitations and pounding heart
  • Sweating
  • Nausea or faint
  • Numbness or tingling sensations
  • Feeling dizzy
  • Hot or cold flashes
  • Total blockade of mind, mind going blank


2. Short term effect

Corporal punishment has a short term effect. The child learns to behave only when he has fear of punishment. This is an external disciplining force. The internal system of child doesn’t learn to behave. Child's internal forces always work against Corporal Punishment and keep finding ways to avoid it. So the misbehavior returns as soon as the apprehension of physical punishment is over.


3. Psychological effect on the child against Corporal Punishment

Apart from causing immense physical pain, physical punishment also makes the child feel humiliated and insulted. His self esteem is hurt. The child feels rejected by the parents. This arouses the feeling of hated and resentment in child’s heart against the parent.

This is normal human reaction. We are all like that. This is the self defense mechanism we are all fitted with. Whenever someone points out our mistake, we tend to resist it. Our ego is hurt and we attack back with or without any reasonable defense or justification.

Now the child wants to react back. He wants to speak out or hit back. But if he does it, he might be beaten more.

So he learns to suppress it. But it comes out in some other form with or without the child having realized it. It may come out in various forms of negative emotions like bullying, not studying, bed-wetting, being depressed, having phobia, anxiety, lack of love, destructive attitude etc.

4. Hatred towards the parents 

Repetition of suffering, humiliation and struggle against Corporal Punishment reinforces the hatred in child's heart. The child doesn’t find his parent worth respecting. He begins to find out the things that the parent doesn’t do well. His attitude towards his parents becomes totally negative. He thinks his parents don’t love him and tends to dislike and disobey each of his parents’ command.

Children want love, care and attention. If they think their parents don’t love them they may try and find other things outside home which interests them. Some of them might be really harmful … like substance abuse.


5. Parents' guilt feeling

It causes tension in parents’ mind as well. Only exceptional case parent would be happy doing it.

Generally parents beat their kids in a fit of anger. After some time when they are at peace and give a second thought to the misbehavior of the child, they realize that probably kid didn’t behave as bad as they then perceived, and he didn’t deserve that punishment.

Then they hug, kiss, feel sorry and love their kids. They try to find ways to compensate the wrong they did to their child. Why do we feel guilty if it’s something good? What do you feel having done it?

We feel guilty only when we realize that we have done something bad. Parents’ guilty feeling itself proves the point against Corporal Punishment.


6. Children learn violence

What does parents’ beating with or without having felt guilty teach the kids?

It teaches them that it is acceptable to hit someone you love. And that you can use as much violence as you can against your loved ones and then get away with it by later loving, kissing, hugging and saying sorry. This is extremely poisonous lesson.

They tend to use this lesson in every relationship. This kills every relationship. So the child is bound to have problem in maintaining long terms relationship with people around him.


7. Unhealthy environment at home

Physical punishment is an act of violence. It creates an atmosphere of tension, hatred, fear and violence in the parent child relationship for several hours or may be months and years.

All members of the family are affected by this tensed atmosphere. Repeated instances take happiness out of the home. The home becomes like a prison or punishment cell for the kids.


8. Children avoid activities altogether

The child connects various things with one event of physical punishment. Some of them might be good while most of them are bad. Though the punishment is intended to stop bad things, the child learns to stop good things with it as well.

For example if a father beats his son for making mistakes in doing Science homework, the child, instead of realizing his mistake, resents. Since he can’t express his resentment because of his parent’s fear, he tries to find a way out of it.

How does he do it? He associates Science with beating and learns to hate Science, and starts searching ways and means to avoid studying Science.

This is his method of finding the way out of beating. He finds it easier than working against Corporal Punishment.


9. Making of a bully

Those who are regularly punished physically are almost sure to turn into a bully. Corporal punishment is certainly a prominent form of parent bullying their kids.

This teaches kids that stronger and elders can bully younger and week people. It is one of the main reasons for kids to turn into bullies. The kids who are bullied tend to vomit out their frustration by bullying others.


10. Immunity against Corporal Punishment

With every incident of physical punishment, child’s immunity against Corporal Punishment keeps increasing. Soon he learns to be stubborn. Frequently beating doesn’t cause fear in his mind or body any longer.

It is at this point Corporal punishment stops working altogether. And now on, its negative effects come exploding in a serious way. The child becomes totally out of control of parents.

Parents don’t have any tools that works on the child. The child becomes rebellious, and now he is in a position to control parents in whatever way he wants to.


11. Branding the child

In an advanced stage, the child might turn into a rebellious and may misbehave even more out of frustration. This aggravates the problem even more. The parents brand the child as a ‘bad Child’.

This Branding is very harmful. It teaches the child that he’s already branded. It doesn’t matter now even if he does something good. So why even try doing something good. The child misbehaves more than before, gets more physical punishment and the vicious cycle goes on.

And it teaches the parents that the child is a problematic case. There is no way to mend him. So why even try. The parents internally reject even the idea of correcting the child. And the child rejects the idea of doing anything good.

This is disastrous for their relationship, more so for kid's personality and his future life. This is total break down of parent child relationship.


12. No harm from beating received in childhood?

Some people say that they were beaten in their childhood whenever they did something wrong and that’s why they were doing well in life, and they suffered no harm from beating.

What does doing well in life means? A good job? Handsome salary? No criminal record?

Well according to me doing well should mean doing well in every aspect of life, like being a good parent, spouse, friend, colleague etc.

Beating always remains there deep inside the unconscious corners of child’s mind. We might or not be aware of it. And It does influence some part of our life.

Children who are beaten often tend to beat their kids when they become parents. Their relationship with their spouses and friends are unlikely to be as healthy as they should be.

They are always prone to violence. They have problems in maintaining long term relationships. Either they tend to be timid or dominating.

Are they actually happy, relaxed, cool and enjoy the life in a positive and contented way? I doubt it.

The damage is always there. It might be hidden behind the decency. But it is always there and it might come out in any form depending upon the external environment.


13. Adulthood of physically punished child: Long term effects

Such kids are likely to be very aggressive and violent and might have various personality disorders in their adulthood. They have problems in maintaining relationships with friends, colleagues, spouse and their own kids. Might even turn into criminal.

Why do parents feel like spanking children

Most of us have grown with various forms of corporal punishment in an acceptable way. So we tend to use the same way to discipline our kids. We often find parents slapping, beating or spanking children. This is not an unusual scene. It seems to show immediate results and therefore we tend to believe that it is very effective.

After every act of physically punishing their children, parents justify their action by saying that they did it to improve their child’s behavior … for the child’s benefit in the long run. They might find any other fancy explanation for their action.

But the truth is, every act of physical punishment by parent arises out of parents’ frustration in their inability to control the situation any other better way.

What triggers physical punishment


What is the thing that triggers physical punishment by parents to their kids?

Parents’ anger or child’s misbehavior?

Good question? … Catch 22 situation … Isn’t it?

Let's say there are two kids misbehaving together. One kid’s parent gets angry while other kid’s parent doesn’t.

What does this mean?

This means that one parent over estimates that misbehavior and considers it worth being angry while the other doesn’t.

What does that mean?

It means, child’s misbehavior does not trigger parent’s anger. It is how the parent perceive that misbehavior, which triggers anger.

If anger is triggered, physical punishment is most likely to follow.

If there is no anger, the question of physical punishment doesn’t even arise.

So it is our perception of child’s behavior which triggers our anger and physical punishment.

That means if we are angry and physically punish our child, probably we are misbehaving more than our child.

Anger

We human beings use physical power only at a point when our mind can not find a non-violent solution.

Anger is a natural emotion of human beings. There is nothing abnormal in being angry. However, management of anger is critical. Anger shuts the mind to all solutions, howsoever simple they might be.

Some people are naturally more violent than others.

Other who are non-violent, are good at understanding the things in a much better way. They remain in their senses for a longer time and manage their violent emotions in a better way.

Manifestation of Power: Might is Right

Physical punishment by parents to their kids is nothing but a manifestation of power and not a technique to discipline kids. Why don’t we cause physical punishment to grown up children? Why we use this on kids alone?

Because somewhere deep inside us we know that we can overpower kids. So we tend to overpower them. Might is Right! When we have beaten the kids, our anger get satisfied .. finds an easy way out … satisfies our ego.

But in case of grown up children, we know that they can overpower us, therefore we don’t dare. Might is Right!

Feeling Guilty

Generally parents beat their kids and later feel guilty about it. They hug, kiss, feel sorry and love their kids. Why do we have to feel guilty if spanking is good?

Suppose you are driving your car down the street and your car just touches the car ahead of you. The guy in that car comes to you, drags you out and starts shouting, abusing and thrashing you. That guy is very tall huge bodybuilder. People gather around but none of them becomes to help. The guy beats you and while leaving feels sorry about it because he lost his temper.

How do you feel? … Kids feel the same when we spank, beat or thrash them and later feel sorry.

Finding better ways

If we can manage our anger for a few minutes only, we can assess the situation better. Relaxed mind can find better solutions. May be the child wasn’t at fault. May be you didn’t know the whole story. May be some one else did it. Could be anything … After a while you are a better person. You don’t overreact now. You can perceive the same action in a more rational way and decide your strategy accordingly and use any other better method to discipline the kid.

Pro Corporal Punishment

Some people are great supporters of corporal punishment. They see only positive effects of corporal punishment. According to them following are the advantages of corporal punishment:



  • That’s the only language children understand, and they understand it instantaneously.
  • That’s how you can prevent children from spoiling.
  • I’m good and successful today because my parents hit me when I did something wrong. That's why I'm doing well in life. I suffered no harm from my parents having beaten me.
  • It has deterrent effect as well. If you beat one child in front of other children, not only that child learns to behave, others also learn a lesson to behave.
  • Children try and test your limits. Show them some physical punishment so that they know it very clearly that each mistake of theirs will attract some physical punishment.
  • It is only fear which restrains children from misbehaving. Show the something to be afraid of and they will behave.
  • Corporal punishment has instantaneous effect. Children obey and behave absolutely right when punished.
  • Pampering and talking to them lovingly spoils them.
  • There is no point in talking to them regarding solving any of their behavior problem because they are young and have no understanding of the worldly wisdom. So it's better not to waste time on teaching them through talking. Just show them the fear of doing something wrong and they will do everything right.
  • History of corporal punishment suggests that it has taught children to behave over last so many ages.

If all this is right, why do people feel guilty after every act of causing physical punishment to their children? This feeling of guilt is our internal voice, from our higher self.

Isn't it the same feeling which we get after doing something wrong? This feeling is our internal meter, a device installed by God.

It measures our acts on a devine scale and tells us what we did was right or wrong. We might fool the whole world, but we can't fool our inner voice.

When my little brother gets a beating, he always ends up going back behaving in the same nature. 

If you have tried and failed using all kinds of corporal punishments on children, try reading and applying the techniques mentioned in Good Child Guide by Dr. Noel Swanson, BM, MRCPsych. This is a wonderful manual to control and discipline children without getting into power struggle with them. I have applied his techniques at my home and found them more than useful. Believe me you can easily do without any physical punishment if you follow the 'Good Child Guide'.

Corporal Punishment

Corporal punishment is a fancy name of causing physical punishment with a view to correct behavior of a child.

The history of physical punishment is as old as our civilization. We have been watching and hearing numerous physical punishment stories around us since our early childhood. Times have changed but it hasn’t.

Almost every parent has spanked, hit, slapped, pushed or caused any other form of physical punishment to their children at some points of time. They might have done it willingly or unwillingly, with or without pre-planning or having any intention to do it. They do it because they think this will correct their kids' incorrect behavior.



But does it really works? Lets explore ...

Some people support physical punishment while others are against it. Let's find out their views. Click on the links below to visit the pages on pro and againt Corporal punishment and come back:


Are you back? Okay! Let's go ahead ...

Let's summarise the good and bad points from both sides in a table. It'll help us analyze easily and properly:

Points of Comparision Pro Corporal Punishment Against Corporal Punishment
Arguments
  1. It is only fear which restrains children from misbehaving. Show them something to be afraid of and they will behave.
  2. That's the only language children understand, and they understand it instantaneously.
  3. That's how you can prevent children from spoiling.
  4. I'm successful and doing well today because my parents hit me when I did something wrong.
  5. It has deterrent effect. If you beat one child in front of other children, others also learn a lesson to behave.
  1. There are so many other non-violent methods to discipline kids, like encouraging, listening, withdrawal of privileges etc., which have long lasting effects on the child's behavior.
  2. By stopping physical punishment and using positive discipline techniques, the frequency of misbehavior keeps on reducing and ultimately fades out with the passage of time.
  3. This also improves love, affection and harmony in the parent child relationship.
Good points
  1. It works instantaneously.
  2. It has deterrent effect on other children as well.
  1. It has long lasting effect.
  2. The child learns self discipline without the application of any external force.
  3. There is lot of love, affection and harmony in the parent child relationship.
  4. The child grows into a happier adult, leads a relaxed life and enjoys the life sharing the joy of life with people around.
Bad Points
  1. It has a short term effect. The misbehavior return as soon as the apprehension of physical punishment is over.
  2. Apart from suffering physical pain, the child feels humiliated, insulted and rejected by parents. This arouses resentment and hatred in his heart against the parents.
  3. The child doesn't find his parents worth respecting. This destroys the relationship completely.
  4. It provokes violent thoughts in child's mind and teaches him that violence is an acceptable behavior in a relationship and if you love somebody, it is okay to beat him/her for the things that they do which you think are wrong.
  5. It creates an atmosphere of tension, hatred, fear and violence in the parent child relationship.
  6. The child begins to hate and avoid doing the thing for which he was punished doing it the wrong way.
  7. Child learns aggressive and violent behavior, becomes abusive or bully in any relationship that he might have ever in future.
  8. Repetitions of physical punishment makes the child immune against it, and then it doesn't even work temporarily.
  9. Produces negative emotions in child's heart like fear, phobia, anxiety, lack of love, sadness, depression, panic etc.
  10. The child might turn rebellious and may misbehave even more out of frustration. The parent brand the child as a 'Bad Child'. The branding teaches the child that he is already branded and it doesn't matter now even if he does something good. So why even try?
  11. Parents beat their kids and later feel guilty about it.
  12. Likely to cause various personality disorders in the child's adulthood. He might grwo into a timid or bully or even a criminal adult.
  1. It doesn't produce immediate effects. It might take few hours, days or even months.
  2. It requires lots of patience, control, use of parenting skills and management, which every parent might not have.


From the comparision given in the table above, it is very clear that physical Punishment does more harm than good to the child.

Physical punishment is not only bad but dangerous. There have been numerous cases where parents have committed heinous offences under the garb of disciplining their kids. In West Virginia, a man spanked his son for two hours, which killed the little boy. The only crime the little boy committed was that he disobeyed one of God's law, which was unacceptable to the fundamentalist Christian father. The father felt it justified to give his son hell.

Most of us have grown with various form of physical punishment in almost acceptable way. So we tend to use the same way to discipline our kids. It seems to show immediate results and therefore we tend to believe that it is very effective.

Every parent thinks that “He/she is always right”. So for the parent, kid’s behaving means following parents wishes and commands, and misbehaving means disobeying parent’s wishes and commands.

But are the parents always right? I’m sure no one is 100% right all the time. That means sometimes parents might be wrong, and these are the times when children are forced to do wrong thing only because their parents think them right.

There are many other healthier ways to teach them discipline. If we stop physical punishment and simultaneous use other positive discipline techniques like listening, encouraging, understanding, avoiding criticism and arguments, etc. children begin to cooperate.

Even if stopping physical punishment doesn’t improve the situation immediately, it certainly doesn’t make them worse. Even this is a great reward that you and your kids can remain the same (howsoever bad) without use of violence. So even if stopping physical punishment doesn’t make any difference, why do that?

The results may not be dramatic in the beginning. But slowly their behavior improves. The frequency comes down slowly. And the atmosphere at home or school is more peaceful and fun. It reduces our stress and tension as well.

"When my parents spanked me it made me feel more hatred towards them and feel that no one understands me". - by S5am  (california)

Lesson ... we need to be more kind, forgiving and patient with our kids.

Children and Discipline Program

Raising kids is no joke by any means. They put our patience and parenting skills to acid test.

Kids don't come with an instruction manual. Every parent has to learn parenting by doing it himself by hit and trial method. If you have a well behaved child you are lucky ... and an exception to the general rule. The general rule being 'Children and discipline have nothing to do with each other'.

Reading books, talking to friends and relatives, counselling with Psychiatrists and Psychologists may also help you to solve some problems. But if your kids are drive you crazy and you feel that things are going out of your control, you need to examin the situation throughly, and pick up some special tools to get hold of the situation.

Doing all this is an extensive exercise, which shouldn't be taken up without an expert's analysis and guidance. Just reading a book on parenting won't solve such a situation.

James Lehman, one of America's most successful behavioral therapists brings help and hope to the millions of parents whose kids are disrespectful, defiant, obnoxious or out of control.

Based on his 30 years experience, James had created a comprehensive parent's program for managing challenging behaviors in children, without raising parents' voice and blood pressure. He has rightly named it The Total Transformation® Program.

James offers a step-by-step system to help parents get back in control of their family and get their children and discipline together so taht the kids respect and listen to them again. Real Help For Real-Life Parenting Problem.

The program throughly teaches how to:

  • Stop any argument with your kid right in its tracks.
  • Defuse temper tantrums and show your child you mean business.
  • Say 10 words when he gets mouthy - Slam the brakes on ugly talk and disrespectful behavior once and for all.
  • Stop outbursts before they even start.
  • Get your child to take responsibility for his actions and behave appropriately.
  • Get him to go to bed at night and wake up on time in the morning.
  • Make a child with a behavior disorder (ADD, ADHD, bipolar and more) behave.

James Lehman

James was born in 1946. His parents were alcoholic and unable to take care of him. When he was just 2 years old, they abandoned him in a basement.

He was found by Mr. Teddy Lehman, who, with his wife Marguerite, went on to adopt him. James began to exhibit oppositional and defiant behavior at home and in the classroom. There was no such thing as special education then, and as he grew older these behaviors became more severe.

By age 14, he quit school, left home, lived on the streets in New York City, and drifted into a life of substance abuse and crime, which led to numerous prison sentences.

James had spent nearly six years in various prisons, when a judge sentenced him to an accountability based treatment program that turned his life around.

Today's Top Therapist

He graduated from that treatment program and participated in a period of training to become a staff coordinator and his career as a counselor, therapist and teacher began. James attended Fordham University for 2 years, moved to New England, and obtained a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work, graduating Summa Cum Laude. As he continued working with children, families and professionals, James was able to attend Boston University and, in 1989, graduated with a Master's Degree in Social Work.

While working at a comprehensive residential treatment center, James began private practice, providing treatment, consultation and training to families, public schools and state agencies. The focus of that work was to provide parents, teachers and case managers with the tools they needed to successfully challenge difficult children to develop the problem solving and self management skills they needed to be successful.

For three decades James Lehman has worked with troubled teens, younger children and discipline problems, families and professionals who live with, educate, treat and assist in managing them.

In public schools, residential treatment centers, private schools, and numerous outpatient and inpatient settings, James has developed an approach to manage children and discipline them by helping them to learn to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of disrespectful, obnoxious, or abusive behavior.

James Lehman brings a wealth of personal experience to the arena of child and adolescent therapy, and has good reason to focus on behavioral management, having experienced severe behavioral problems himself as a child and adolescent.

Today, James Lehman is America's most successful behavioral therapists and provides training and consultation to schools, treatment centers and state agencies. He lives with his wife, Janet, who is also a social worker and has an adult son, Jeremy.

He is the creator of The Total transformation Programme, the most comprehensive programme for improving children behavior.