Patterns of Kids' Behavior Problems

Many children are model kids for most of the day, and only misbehave at certain times or under certain circumstances.

If you are facing kids' behavior problems and trying to figure out how to discipline this type of child, here are some tips from successful parents.

Using these techniques may help you analyze your child’s behavior and determine why they are perfect children at one moment and why they may act out at other times.

Try to target the worst or most disruptive behavior. Think about what your kid does and when he does it and see if there is a pattern in your kids' behavior problems.



Using just that ONE behavior as a starting point, start a journal or log and try to track the following questions and anything else you think you need to know about schedules and patterns of poor behavior:

Is there a particular ...

  •     time of day the behavior occurs?
  •     day of the week on which the behavior occurs?
  •     situation that triggers the behavior?

Does your kid's behavior problems tend to occur when you are ...

  •     alone with the child?
  •     in public with the child?

Does your kid's behavior problems occur when the child is ...

  •     tired?
  •     hungry?
  •     confused?
  •     playing with other children?
  •     asked to sit still or stay quiet for a long period of time?
  •     around something that he dislikes, something that makes him nervous or upset?

Does your kid's behavior problems occur when the child ...

  •     feels insecure?
  •     anticipates a certain event or occurrence (like company or a party?)

Does your kid's behavior problems occur...

  •     in a certain location all the time?
  •     when there is chaos in the room or environment?
  •     immediately after happening something?

As you track these behaviors over a period of time, you will probably start to see a pattern.

With toddlers, especially, the child is more likely to act out when they are tired, hungry or off schedule.
For older children, often the trigger for the behavior is more complex.

Consequence Wheel

Most effective and interesting way to make consequences effective

Why are consequences ineffective most of the times?

Well, there could be many reasons.

But the most common reason is parents lose their temper while giving consequences and there is power struggle between the child and parent.

We can make consequences most effective only when we are able to keep our emotions out of giving consequences.

And the solution is simple …. Plan the consequences in advance.

Here are the ways how you can do that:

  •     List of Consequences
  •     Cardboard Consequence Wheel
  •     Consequence Wheel Software


List of consequences

The simplest way to do that is to make a list of your child’s common misbehaviors and write suitable consequences in front of them as shown below:


Misbehavior Consequence
Coming home late Time out
No home work No Tv

Paste the list at a prominent place in home so that you and the child can look at it easily and frequently. When the child misbehaves, take him to the list and find out what consequence is applicable. That way you can give consequence without emotions getting into the way.


Cardboard Consequence Wheel

To make it more interesting, you can make a consequence wheel.

  •     Take a round shaped cardboard.
  •     Paste a colored paper on it.
  •     Make a hole in the center of it.
  •     Write your consequences along it inner border.
  •     Fix it on the wall with a nail at its center.
  •     Put a red mark on the wall a little outside the consequence wheel.

The consequence wheel is ready.

Ask your child to rotate it …

Wait until it stops …

Hold your breath and find out which consequence stops near the red mark.
Yes... it has stopped ... and this is the consequence.

So the suspense continues until the wheel completely stops …. It's like a casino game.

Cool ... isn't it?


Consequence wheel software

Card board is fun, but it is too basic. I mean you can’t add or delete consequence without making a new wheel.

Recently I came across a pretty Consequence Wheel software which does this job in a much more interesting and advanced way. It is so flexible, you can add or delete consequences any time and it works as well. This is more fun. Just load it on your computer and it’s ready to work.

So when your child misbehaves next time, let him press a button on this software. A virtual wheel start moving on the screen with an interesting sound effect and when the wheel stops, it pops out a consequence.

When I installed it on my computer and showed it to my son, he was so excited about it. He played it many times and then we were busy making a list of his common misbehavior and consequences.

I always invite my son to participate whenever I am working or updating the list of consequences for him. He feels like being a part of the Government making a law. I give him many choices and he picks up some of them.

When our list was ready, I typed it on the software. It was customized for our family now. In fact we went a step further. We decided that the consequences were not applicable on my son alone; they were applicable on the whole family. So anyone leaves the lights switched on for no reason, he has to press the button and discover his/her consequences.

Believe me, it's fun.

My son enjoys it a lot.

Every time it looks like a casino game…full of excitement and suspense.

And everybody on the family is waiting for someone else to make a mistake so that they can watch the casino game.

And it makes the consequences more effective while having fun with them.

Behavior Consequences

Behavior Consequences for children are important part of disciplining them.

More than 300 years ago, Isaac Newton laid down his third law of motion: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Since time immemorial, our forefathers have been teaching us: “As you sow, so shall you reap”.

These are universal truths and apply to every person and situation.

We suffer the consequences of actions that we do, which may be positive or negative. Negative actions produce negative consequences and positive actions produce positive consequences. Positive consequences are also called rewards.

For our discussion here, when I say consequences, I mean negative consequences. And when I say rewards, I mean positive consequences.

Experience teaches us what leads to what. Failures and sufferings teach us what not to do again. Success and rewards teach us what to do more and more.

We learn so many lessons from the experience of great hardships. And therefore, we want our kids to learn about negative actions and their consequences without suffering those hardships.

So, what do we do?

We start with teaching our children about small-small consequences about their small-small mistakes, so that they learn to relate their actions with consequences and learn to do more positive actions and avoid mistakes.

Behavior consequences teach kids what to do and what not to do and help them improve their behavior.



When Behavior Consequences don’t work

The most common complaint from parents is,"Nothing works with my kid."

There could be many reasons for such a situation. However, the most common is that parents do not implement the consequences in an effective manner.

The following are the important things while giving effective consequences to kids. If any one of the following is missing, consequences will not work, and don’t blame your kids for that.

  •     Keep emotions out of it
  •     Plan Behavior Consequences in advance
  •     Be clear
  •     Be Brief
  •     Be consistent
  •     Behavior Consequences must follow immediately after misbehavior
  •     Behavior Consequences must affect the child in some adverse way
  •     Quantum of Behavior consequences
  •     Complement Behavior Consequences with rewards and praise
  •     Experiment with Behavior Consequences
  •     Warnings don’t work
  •     After thought
  •     Don’t expect magic



1. Keep emotions out of it

The most common reason of consequences being ineffective is that when the act of misbehavior occurs, parents loose their temper. They become mad at the kids and forget everything they know about ‘how to give consequences’.

We need to announce and implement consequences in a cool and calm manner. This makes us reasonable and judicious. When we bring our anger in it, kids can sense our anger only and nothing else. They and don’t listen to what we say. They follow the behavior consequences just to cool down our anger, not to learn a lesson from their mistake.

Kids learn better from a calm, composed and reasonable parent, than from an angry and unreasonable parent. So be calm and reasonable.

How to do that … keep reading.


2. Plan Behavior Consequences in advance

An effective way for parents to keep emotions out of implementing behavior consequences is to plan the consequences in advance.

Make a list of common misbehaviors and write their corresponding consequences in front of the misbehavior. Encourage the child to participate in this list making process. Believe me, kids will have fun doing it. Paste the list on a prominent place. It really helps, believe me.

How does it help?

When the child misbehaves, both the parent and the child know what to do … run to the list … and read the applicable consequence.

What does it do?

Both the parent and the child are eager to find out what consequence is applicable. This makes it a fun. The parents need not apply their mind to formulate a consequence then and there. This helps parents to take their emotions out of it.


Consequence wheel
The best way to keep parents’ emotions out of implementing consequences is consequence wheel. Instead of making the process an occasion for emotional out burst for parents and kids, consequence wheel actually makes it a fun for both of them. Click here to learn more about what is consequence wheel and how you can make and use it.


3. Be clear


Tell the child what mistake he has done, and what consequence have you chosen for it. Be clear in your words and voice. The child must understand clearly about his mistake and the corresponding consequence. You can be much clearer if you keep emotions out of it.


4. Be Brief

Be very brief while telling the child about his mistake and the consequence. You’ll be tempted to speak a lot and preach. But don’t do it. Hold yourself. Few words will convey the message. The more you speak, more will you lose control on your words, and your emotions will come out in words. Soon you’ll be out of control. So be brief, Speak as few words as possible, in a calm tone.


5. Be consistent

Be consistent in your reaction. When ever there is misbehavior, an appropriate and proportionate behavior consequence must follow.

If you give a consequence for misbehavior at one time and ignore it completely the next time, you are being seriously inconsistent. It doesn’t teach discipline to the child.

Children test their boundaries. Your ignoring misbehavior teaches the child that he can get away with it sometimes. So he keeps repeating the misbehavior because he knows that he can get away with it at least a few times. So the misbehaving pattern remains there, even if you give heavy consequences the other times. So Maintain balance and consistency.


6. Behavior Consequences must follow immediately after the misbehavior

Delayed consequences are no consequences, because the they confuse the child. He can’t connect them with the misbehavior, and therefore considers it unfair, and resents against it. So they don’t teach any lesson to the child. The time interval between an act of misbehavior and the consequences should be shortest possible.


7. Behavior Consequences must be capable of affecting the child in some adverse way

Every child is different. What affects a child may not affect others, and consequence are meaningless if they can’t affect the child. Consequences must be capable of affecting adversely the child to the extent that the child learns a lesson not to repeat the mistake. Withdrawing a privilege which does not interest a child is a meaningless consequence. It will be effective only when you withdraw some privileges which the child enjoys, like watching TV, playing games on computer etc. Evaluate child’s age and interest and choose consequences accordingly.


8. Quantum of Behavior Consequences

The ideal quantum of consequences is proportionate to the act of misbehavior. But it is not always easy to draw the proportion. Well, in that case, smallest quantity which causes affects the child adversely is okay.

Remember, too large quantity will certainly cause side effects, may be some serious ones. The child will apply his own judgment and evaluation on the consequences and their quantum. If the child finds it too unfair, he feels punished for no good reason and resent against it.


9. Complement Behavior Consequences with rewards and praise

Too much emphasis on behavior consequences for negative behavior and completely ignoring rewards for good behavior will lower down child’s self esteem. His acts of good behavior go unrewarded. It demoralizes the child. He finds no good reason to behave better. Under these circumstances, consequences further loose their effectiveness. The parents become enemies in the eyes of the child, and he misbehaves even more to tease the parents.

Consequences alone don’t work unless the child is rewarded for good behavior as well. Consequences must be complemented with rewards for good behavior. We need to maintain a balance between consequences and rewards.


10. Experiment with Behavior consequences
Generally parents choose only a few consequences and keep repeating them for every kind of misbehavior. With the passage of time, kids get immune to these consequences. Now they need new and more effective consequences. So we need to keep experimenting with consequences.

Expand the list of consequences. Be innovative and creative about them. Talk to the kids as well and let them come up with their own ideas. They’ll be happy to participate in this.


11. Warnings don’t work
‘Barking dogs seldom bite’.
Kids know this intuitively. If you keep warning the child of consequences, he senses your non-seriousness about it and ignores your threat. There is no point in warning. Do it actually instead, and the child will learn a lesson that the misbehavior is not acceptable. The child will understand that you mean business and there is no point in testing boundaries any longer. If you have already warned three times and not done it, you convey a message to the child that he can still has the chance to get away with it.


12. After thought
Give a thought after the event of consequence is over. Were you too harsh? Was your decision just and fair? If you think you were unreasonable, unfair, or too harsh, talk to the child about it and apologize. It will be a great soothing factor for the child, and strengthen your bond with the child.


13. Don’t expect magic

Behavior modification takes time. Behavior is a bundle of habits, and habits die hard. It takes at least 21 days to make or break a habit, that too when consistent efforts are made and thee is no obstructing factor. So be patient. Let the behavior consequences work over a period of time. Give them some time. Look for small changes and be consistent about them.

Finding the Source of a learned child behavior

Learned child behavior can be corrected only when you know the source from where the child has learned it.

When ever I find my six years old son say some bad words, I am shocked. Then I regain my senses and tell myself, “ I am his role model. I need to behave in the best possible manner.” Telling this to myself helps me recover the shock and control myself.

Then I give him a warm hug, look into his eyes and lovingly whisper, “My son is the best boy in the whole world. He always utters good and pleasing words. But just now my son has said some bad words. I am sure you must have heard it somewhere. Would you like to tell me where did you here it from?”

99% of the time he tells me the whole story about it… who said this … what had happened ... when did it happen … why did it happen … how it happened … how he felt … and so on….. and he tells me all this loaded with all shades of emotions he experienced.

So now I know the source of his learned behavior that I didn't like. Now I can do some thing about it. Just imagine what would have happened if I had shouted at him and made him uncomfortable. He would never have let me known about the source. And I could never have done anything about it.




Well this example may not fit in every situation. But the information about the source of learned child behavior is hidden in his heart ... and the only way to open any child heart is to pour lots of warm love over it ... and it will open itself …. fully … effortlessly. The harder you try more tightly it will close and lock itself.

Child Behavior

All of us are different from each other in many ways. Same is the case with kids. Each child behavior is different and special in some ways. Every child has some peculiar strengths and weaknesses.

The gender also has a significant effect on child behavior. Don't girls behave different than boys. I'm sure you must have noticed this since your childhood. People have written volumes of best selling books on that. Though beyond the scope of this site, it is another interesting area to explore.




Corinne Fourcade, an experienced mom of two boys, has poured all her experience and research on parenting boys into her wonderful theme based rich content website called Parenting-Boys.com, with the catchy slogan 'Because boys will be boys'. She also writes easy to follow information on parenting styles, boys development stages, single parenting and much more. A visit to her site is worth it.

I have yet to come across a site like that on parenting girls.

So keep in mind the gender characteristics of your child while exploring his or her behavior.

Looking Beyond the gender factor, child behavior is a mixture of her inherent behavior and learned behavior.


Inherent Child Behavior:

Each child is born with a particular set of genes. This set of genes comes from her father and mother.

So every child borrows a part of her behavior from the families of her father and mother. This set of genes sets a particular behavior in every child. This part of behavior is almost of permanent nature and it is hard to change it.

Child’s body and mind constitution speak a lot about his basic inherent behavior. If we can know and identify a particular body mind constitution of a child, not only we can know and predict her behavior but we can also find ways to manage, control, avoid or encourage a particular behavior.


Learned Child behavior:

This is the behavior that child learns from her environment. This behavior is learned in a manner any other habit is learned. Habits can certainly be changed. If habits can be changed, this part of behavior can be also changed.

However, even if a habit is changed it is likely to come back if the environment responsible for unwanted habit is not changed. Therefore in order for a good habit to stay permanently, environment has to be changed for good. What is environment for a child?

Certainly, for a child, her environment is made up of everything that surrounds her, like:

  •     Behavior and attitude of family members
  •     Friend circle
  •     School mates
  •     Teachers
  •     Daily personal experiences
  •     Television shows
  •     Movies
  •     Advertisements
  •     Video games
  •     Social habits and styles
  •     Surrounding circumstances

      ... And the list goes on.

Every family or society behaves in a particular manner. What is considered good in a society may not be considered acceptable in some other society. If we want to change a behavior that the child has learned, we first need to do identify the source from where she has learned it, then we need to do something to eliminate the source, and replace it with another source which teaches a good habit and settles the good habit permanently.

How to find out the source for a learned child behavior.

Arguments with children

Do not argue with your kids

'If you win an argument, you lose a friend'.

Let’s see what actually happens during an argument:

  •     Direct attack on a person’s ego and self-esteem.
  •     How do we counter an argument and defend ourselves?
  •     What do we get out of the argument?
  •     Arguing with our children.
  •     Result.
  •  

Direct attack on a person’s ego and self-esteem

When we argue with someone, we tell him point blank:

  •     You are wrong.
  •     Your judgment is wrong.
  •     Your opinion is wrong.
  •     You have no wisdom.
  •     You are fool.

How do you feel when someone tells you this?

Do you enjoy it? No one does.

Every argument involves sharp criticism. Criticism triggers hatred. It directly hits our emotions, self-esteem and ego. Self esteem and ego are our most precious possessions. We don’t enjoy best of the best things if we are able to get them at the cost of our self-esteem and ego.

The critical words and sentences uttered in an argument against us directly attack our self-esteem, ego and feelings, and do something what atom bombs did to Hiroshima-Nagasaki in World War-II.

We employ everything at our command to protect our shattering ego.

How do we do it?


How do we counter an argument and defend ourselves?

We make a China wall around ourselves.

This wall serves many purposes. It closes our mind to the merits of the attacking argument. The mind gets into offensive mode.

The other person’s arguments fall on our ears but our mind rejects them out rightly.

Then our mind sets up best available guns and canons on the top of this china wall, and loads them with all the available logics, facts and figures, howsoever baseless, vague, misconceived or prejudiced they might be.

Yes, the firing starts.

Whom do we fire at? Of course, the one who attacked us, and everyone who comes in the way. We start contradicting every argument against us with our full potential with all kind of justifications … mostly prejudiced.

We blame the one who argues with us and everyone whom we can shift the blame on. To prove ourselves right, we spare no one whom we can blame.

Our body language also comes to assist our oral arguments, and send hostile messages from its gestures like bitter looks, folds on the forehead, tight jaws … and more.

Every argument from one side arouses a new argument from other side. There is no closing argument.

A causal argument gets lost into heated arguments in no time.

Opening arguments is very easy, even a fool can do it.

Closing arguments is an uphill task.


What do we get out of the argument?

Nobody likes being blamed. We are all alike … including kids.

And remember, the same thing is happening with the person with whom you are arguing.

So where are you two guys reaching? … nearer to each other or farther than before?

Every argument increases the distance between two persons.

Even if you prove him wrong in front of the whole world, he’ll still be firm and adamant on his opinion, probably more than ever before. He’ll never come close to your heart and would keep looking for opportunity to let you down sooner or later.

And even if you think you have won the argument, you actually lose, because you have lost all prospects to have a good relation with that person ever in future.

Argument poisons love.


Arguing with our children

Children can learn from you and improve their behavior only when they like you and have a good opinion of you.

So we need to ensure that at any cost.

When we argue with adults, we are still somewhat sensible, but when we argue with our own kids, we are at our worst. We complain, condemn, ridicule, scold, shout, humiliate and insult them. This makes the argument much more ugly and filthy.

We not only hurt his ego, self esteem and emotions, but also spoil our image in his estimation.

And does this correct the child’s behavior which triggered the argument?

Never!

The child will be more adamant than ever before.

And what do you achieve out of all this? Arousing hatred in the heart of the child against you.


Result

… we end up spoiling our own game. Things get messed up more than before.

So why to prove a child he is wrong. That’s not going to make him like you? So, Why argue with him?

And remember, kids also don’t enjoy making mistakes and justifying them.

Nobody wants to make a mistake. They just happen … more so with kids.

It is only experience which teaches us how to avoid mistakes. Kids have life experience of only a few years. They are more likely to make mistakes.

They are just what we were in their age under similar circumstances. We’ve made similar or worse mistakes at their age. These days kids are smarter. I’m sure I made more mistakes when I was my son’s age, than my son does today.

How to argue with your kids and win the argument. 

How to argue with your kids

Arguments poison love. Even if you win an argument, you lose a friend.

But what if your child has already started an argument? How to win an argument with him? … The only way to win an argument is to avoid it.

But how to do it? I know it’s not that easy.

All we can do is make sincere effort to avoid it. It might not work as much the first time, but after a few attempts, it works very well. Not only it helps avoiding an ongoing argument, it also helps in avoiding the source of arguments as well. That’s how to win arguments with your children.


How to avoid arguments: Rulebook for arguments

Here are some practical tips to avoid arguments with your children:

  •     Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous
  •     Control your temper
  •     Be a good listener
  •     Disagreement is healthy
  •     Identify the areas of agreement
  •     Admit when you are wrong
  •     Think from child’s point of view
  •     Don’t expect written confession
  •     Don’t hurt his ego
  •     Use suggestive approach
  •     Avoid negative emotions
  •     Soften your voice tone
  •     Mind your body language
  •     Don’t be in a hurry to announce the final judgment
  •     Keep it short
  •     Don’t forget the general rules of ‘Parent child communication’


1. Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous

In a situation adverse to us, our first impression is generally wrong. Why? Because we are prejudiced and biased against the other person. We tend to jump on conclusions and judge others thoughtlessly. Instead of understanding the whole situation, we reach our judgment on the basis of our first impression. We immediately say, he’s wrong’ or ‘he’s bad’.

Show some generosity. Don’t be in a hurry to judge your kids, and if you do, don’t judge them so harshly … be liberal in your judgment, if at all the need be.


2. Control your temper

Hold on … manage your anger for a while. Keep calm in an argument. Let this moment pass away. A little while later, you’d be somewhat cool and look at the things more rationally and understand the situation better.

If you can let this moment pass away, most of the damage that arguments do would be avoided. I’m sure you would be a different person after 10 minutes to react on the same arguments of your child.

I understand that it’s not easy to digest facing a child arguing with you. But this does happen sometimes. You are wiser than your child, and therefore it is your duty to teach him how to avoid arguments.

How do you do it? … by showing him how to argue and how not to argue?

So don’t lose temper. Control yourself or you’ll teach him the incorrect and messy way to argue.

Losing temper turns petty arguments into heated arguments and then into a full fight. Remaining calm in argument also saves lots of embarrassment.


3. Be a good listener

Listen to the child carefully. Let him speak his mind and heart fully so that you can understand him clearly. If you let him speak, most of the part of arguments will be over. After a while he’ll run out of words. Now there can’t be any argument. Because no one can argue with a silent person. He’d be less adamant now.

But if you keep interrupting him, he can’t complete what he wants to say and get further irritated by this, which will further spoil the conversation. Let him finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This will only raises new barriers between you two.


4. Disagreement is healthy

Arguments arise out of disagreements. If your child disagrees with you, it is a sign that he has started thinking himself an individual identity, and it is good and healthy. Sooner or later he has to learn to take his own stand for various things. Think of a person who has no stand of his own … a person like that will be dominated by people around him, his husband, wife, partner etc.

As parents we must ensure that the child learns to take his own independent view of things and stand for it.

So next time your child argues with you, just relax …. he is growing. Losing temper will do no good. Welcome the disagreement and teach him how to disagree without arguing, … by showing him how to do it.


5. Identify the areas of agreement

Find out the areas on which both of you agree. Pick up his actual arguments from whatever your child speaks. I’m sure the areas of agreement will be far more than areas of disagreement. This will ease the tension to a great extent.

Now you can focus only on the areas where you disagree. It gives you clarity of the scene. Now you can make a better strategy to deal with the limited area of disagreement. This will bring the child in the mode of saying yes to some of your suggestions and puts him in YES Mode.


6. Admit when you are wrong

If you find something wrong on your part, admit it immediately, and apologize for it. Accept if you have learned something new during the course of the arguments. This will disarm the child.

The child can argue against an argument. He can’t argue against no argument.


7. Think from child’s point of view

When we argue, we think about our point of view only. Try honestly to see things from your child’s point of view. Children may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. So try honestly to get into their shoes.

Think for a while, how would you feel and react if you were in your child’s situation. This will change your attitude towards your child. And your changed attitude will encourage the child to have an open mind to your words. It reduces the friction to a great extent and eases the tension.


8. Don’t expect written confession

If the child accepts his mistake, close the argument then and there. Even if you think he is not admitting his mistake the way he should. Even if he does it making faces. Don’t expect the child to give you a written confession. Don’t expect him to make a good face and give a big smile. He will take time to become normal. If you continue to argue your point even after the child has admitted his mistake, the child will certainly bounce back and a fresh round of arguments will start.


9. Don’t hurt his ego

Don’t directly say you are wrong. Don’t scold, ridicule or condemn. It will make the situation worse. Don’t use words which let the children down, like ‘stupid’, ‘dumb’, ‘fool’. Don’t use the words which smell like dictates, commands, orders and judgments. Don’t use sentences like, ‘You must understand…’, ‘I want you to do this…’. These words turn an otherwise cool discussion in a battlefield. Treat them the way you would like to be treated in their situation. Have some respect for them.


10. Use suggestive approach

Use suggestive sentences like, ‘‘Let’s see how we can improve it.’’, “Let’s see how you can do it in an easier way”, “Let’s brainstorm together”. This makes the atmosphere pleasant and the child would be in the mode of accepting your words. While making suggestions, you can gently take his attention to the area of disagreement and explain your point in a subtle manner.


11. Avoid negative emotions

Don’t express your arguments through any negative emotions like anger, hatred, sarcasm or things like that. These emotions let the children down and make them feel insulted. Their self-esteem is hurt, which arouses resentment. Resentment makes him lose temper and the argument turns into a full fight in no time.


12. Soften your voice tone

Your voice tone also reflects emotions. How you speak is much more important than what you speak. A simple word ‘Thanks’ can be spoken most politely as well as in grave anger. In both the situation the same word conveys altogether different messages. Arguments can be healthy only if done in a mature, friendly, graceful and polite manner.

13. Mind your body language

Remember most of your emotions are reflected through your body language. So mind your body language. Straighten the skin folds on your forehead, relax your facial muscles, eye-brows, and other body muscles. If you find it difficult to control your body language, try to smile before and during the conversation. Smile tends to relax the tension and emits positive vibration, which calms down the temperature of the situation.


14. Don’t be in a hurry to announce the final judgment

This session of arguments is not the end of the world. Don’t be in a hurry to pass a final judgment over the arguments. No judgment is required in the first place. But if you are desperate to prove something, don’t do it now. Prove your child wrong in some other manner at some other time so that he is not hurt. Let this process take its own time. After a few hours, or may be few days, your child won’t be as adamant as he is now.

In the mean time you can explore your knowledge, wisdom and resources available to you to find a way to deal with the problem and make the child realize his mistake. This also cools down your mind. May be nothing needs to be done actually. May be there was no need to argue as there was nothing so important. May be the child was right in his age and circumstances. May be you yourself triggered the argument. May be you can think a little above that one single incident of argument. May be you find an altogether new solution to the problem.

By deferring your judgment you are giving time to yourself as well. So it is for the betterment of both of you.


15. Keep it short

Keep this session as short as possible. Length of an argument is directly proportional to its ill effects. So keep it short. Change the topic at the earliest opportunity, and appreciate him for any other thing which he has really done well. It will melt him further.


16. Don’t forget the general rules of 'Effective communication with children'

The general rules of effective communication with children apply on every interaction of the parents with the kids. These rules set the basic stage on which every activity involving interaction between parents and children happens. So, don’t forget them at all. Add on these rules with them. Also have a look at How to criticize.

This is how to win every argument with our children

Perils of over-praise

Don't over-praise your child

Too much of every thing is bad.

Even if you love ice ream, you can’t live eating ice creams alone. Very soon you’ll be fed with it. Same is true with praise also.




Instead of helping, over praising leads to serious side effects. Here's how:

  • It makes the child immune against it. It stops working soon.
  • Over praising an average performance sends a message to the child that he has reached the limit of best of his ability and no further improvement is needed. It blocks child’s mind and prevents him from exploring further improvement. He doen’t make any efforts to improve further.
  • Children doubt your sincerity. They tell themselves, “I haven’t actually done that good. Why are they praising me that much? What’s the matter? What do they want from me?”
  • When we praise our child too much in front of others, the child starts identifying that we are doing it for our own show off and not sincerely praising the child for his good works.
  • If we always keep praising a child and never discuss about his mistakes, the child doesn’t learn anything from mistakes and keeps repeating them.
  • The child makes an ever rosy picture of life in his mind, which is not so in reality. Anything not so rosy disturbs him easily. The child becomes too sensitive to adversities.
  • A child who grows up getting too frequent praises and rewards will not have persistence. He ’ll not make any efforts and quit when he doesn’t get praise or rewards.
  • When over-praised children go outside home and find people better than them, they realize that their abilities were merely fictions created or exaggerated by their parents. This may depress them and make them suspect your praises.
  • Over praised children feel that they are entitled to praise no matter what they do. They are so used to being praised that they do nothing unless praised and become fond of flattery. It takes them away from the ground realities and always keeps them unprepared to face adversities.
  • If we habitually over-praise our child for every kind of performance in same way, we send a message to the child that making too much efforts is worthless, because he gets same kind of praise even for an average performance.
  • If we praise our children too much for everything, they’ll have a very poor opinion of our personality. They’ll dismiss our praise out-rightly saying, "you always say that."

Once the child realizes that your praise is not sincere and genuine, he’ll dismiss your genuine praises as well.

Criticism is bad. But if you do it constructively for good reason, it is sometimes better than praise. Kids never forget them, which helps them improve their behavior.

How to praise and encourage a child.

Praise children for their efforts not intelligence or talent

If you think your praise can never harm your child … read this and think again!

Po Bronson published an elaborate article in New York Magazine, titled "How Not to Talk to Your Kids" revolving around a revolutionary study by Stanford Psychologist Carol Dweck, who says :

“Praise children for their work and performance - not their intelligence and talent.”

Dweck told us something which always existed around us but we never recognized it.

Let’s see what’s wrong with praising intelligence or talent:

  •     Why not praise intelligence or talent?
  •     Why praise efforts and hard work?
  •     How to encourage efforts?


Want to watch a video about it? Here it is:

 

Why not praise intelligence or talent?



When we praise children for their intelligence or some other talent, they are happy about it. They think they’re talented because they are born with it. Here is what this happy feeling does to them:

As doing something comes naturally to them, they think they need not make any efforts for it. As they don’t hear any criticism about their talent, they think there is no need for further improvement in their talent. This makes them under-estimate the importance of efforts. They think that talented people need not make efforts and the efforts are meant for average people only. Putting in efforts looks stigmatic to them. Therefore, their level of effort making tendency is very low.

The feeling of being talented takes their self esteem very high. So high that they become image conscious. They want to maintain their image at any cost. When they have a class test they focus less on efforts, more on their rank and tearing others down. They are more concerned about competition, less about preparation. When they score less marks, they tell lies inflating their marks.

Self esteem alone doesn’t work. Some of the criminals are also found thinking very high of themselves. If praise raises self esteem at the cost of learning perseverance, it isn’t worth it.

Dweck says when we praise children for their intelligence, we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes, and avoid the risk of being embarrassed. This lesson itself becomes a major hurdle in motivating children to put in efforts.

They don’t even try to do things other than they are naturally good at. Why? Because they are afraid of failure …. which would spoil their image. If they take a little longer time in learning something, they give up too quickly, without making sufficient efforts. They think they aren’t naturally good at it so why even try it. This takes them away from many activities.

They think success depends on intelligence or talent (something natural and beyond one’s control) and not on efforts (something under one’s control). This way they learn that success depends on factors beyond their control. So why make efforts for it?

They tend to become perfectionist. For them either you do it perfectly or don’t even try it. They don’t believe in normal or moderate performance. They want to show that they are amazing at whatever they do, because they are genius. For them being average is meaningless.

Result, … they have low perseverance level. These children don’t take initiatives just for the sake of avoiding the embarrassment of failure. Failures depress them easily.

Why praise efforts and hard work?

When we praise the child for his efforts, hard work and performance and not for his intelligence and talent, he subconsciously learns that intelligence and talents can be developed by working hard. Therefore, such children:

  •     are full of persistence.
  •     maintain their motivation level at a higher level in the phases of adversities.
  •     learn to handle failures and survive them.
  •     bounce back after failures, put in their best efforts and succeed.

Most of the successful men and women in the world have been successful because they worked very hard through long periods of struggle and failures.

Challenges don’t discourage them, but makes them ready to put in even more efforts.


How to encourage efforts?

Okay!

That’s all right, but how to do it?

What we need to do is just to watch our words and do a little tweaking of our words. That’s all!

Let’s see a few examples how we can improve our words of praise just by making small changes:

Wrong Right
Praising talent Praising efforts
You are the best dancer! You have put in lots of sweating hours to improve your dance.
Well Played! You hit the ball at the right time.
Excellent! Almost right! Try again.
You're great singer! My God! You seem to have worked really hard for this.

We need to teach our children that brain is like any other muscle in our body and it can be developed by making it work hard. Brain develops faster when challenged. And that makes them real smart.

A hard working child with average IQ is a lot better than a lazy smart kid.

Let’s Praise the process and not the outcome.

Let’s appreciate the hard work and efforts they are putting and not their intelligence or talent.

Let's encourage children to keep their focus on efforts and not the result.

Moral of the story: Teach them the age-old lesson, "Try, try again!"

“How to succeed? ... Try hard enough.” - Malcolm Forbes (1919-1990)

I have applied this in praising my son and the results are amazing!

Importance and effect of words of encouragement and praise.
How to praise and encourage a child
Perils of over-praise: don't overpraise your child

How to encourage a child

Ways to encourage a child

The purpose to encourage a child is to boost his self esteem. Remember, this boost should come from within the child’s heart for himself. We don’t have to do it for him. We only need to describe some good thing about him which he believes to be genuine and praises himself for it, based on our description. This way he himself is boosting his self esteem and genuinely feels happy about it, which produces the desired results.

Daily encouragement conditions the child for success. We only need to stimulate him to praise himself.

We can neutralize our praise by criticizing next day. But describing a good thing which stimulates child mind to praise himself becomes permanent in child’s mind and helps him boost his self esteem permanently.

If our praise does not stimulate the child to praise himself, something is wrong with our praise. We need to learn some tips on ‘How to praise kids’.





Here is how to encourage a child to praise himself:

  •     Don’t waste time
  •     Praise and encourage a child for efforts, not his natural talent
  •     Be genuine
  •     Don’t be vague: Be specific and descriptive to encourage a child
  •     Don’t expect perfection : Praise slightest improvement
  •     Don’t relate it to success
  •     Don’t make comparative praise
  •     Mixing praise and criticism
  •     Do it publicly if possible
  •     Avoid negative emotions
  •     Soften your voice tone
  •     Mind your body language
  •     Don’t repeat yourself over and over again
  •     Don’t over-encourage a child
  •     Don’t drag previous errors in it
  •     Don’t be in a hurry to finish it
  •     Don’t forget the general rules of 'effective communication with children’


1. Don’t waste time

Catch him red-handed doing something right, and encourage a child right then and there. Do it immediately and spontaneously. Don’t waste any time. If you miss this opportunity and get late in praising, the effect of praise will be diluted. He’ll think the praise is an after-thought. Your praise will not register in his mind.


2. Praise and encourage a child for efforts, not his natural talent

The revolutionary research by psychologist Carol Dweck suggests that praising a natural talent does more harm than good to a child. Instead, praise and encourage a child for his efforts and works. This is so important and interesting that I can’t sum it up in four lines. Click here to read a full page on this. Don’t miss it!


3. Be genuine

Be genuine, sincere and honest. Do not exaggerate. Do not flatter. Flattery is cheap, insincere, selfish and shallow. Your praise shouldn’t be fake or artificial, otherwise it would backfire. It won’t help your child. Very soon he’ll sense your insincerity, and then he’ll suspect each one of your praise for him on any occasion after that. You loose your credibility. Your praise is not genuine if:

  •     It is selfish and gives the impression that you are praising to get something done.
  •     Creates an undue pressure in child’s mind about maintaining the praised behavior.
  •     Tries to cover up child’s weakness.


4. Don’t be vague: Be specific and descriptive to encourage a child

Don't try to encourage a child with common comments like ‘good boy’, ‘great work done’ etc. These are general praises. General praises are vague. Vague praises don’t send a clear message as to what is being praised. Their brain doesn’t take these praises seriously and tends to forget them soon.

Passing general comments like ‘good’, ‘great’ ‘wonderful’ etc is easy. Describing is a bit difficult, because you have to actually apply yourself to look deeply in what the child has done and what are the things which are good enough to describe. But it is worth the efforts. Description makes praise sincere and genuine.

Always be specific. Take a little pain of observing the child’s work, behavior or performance, and then specify clearly what you see or feel good about it.

For example, if you want to praise his handwriting, don’t just say “beautiful”. Find out and describe which letters has he written very nicely. Tell him “we appreciate you for the neatness … the flow of words … the slant of letters …” and find more good things.

Instead of saying “you dance well”, praise dancing steps that you liked. Once started, you’ll find so many things to describe.

This way, the child will find exactly what is good about him. He will believe you and tell himself, “They appreciate me for the right thing”, and praise himself.


5. Don’t expect perfection: Praise slightest improvement

If you are satisfied with nothing short of perfection, you are bound to face a lot of frustration. We as grown ups are not perfect. How can we expect our kids to be? Kids have nothing to do with perfection. Whatever good they may do is bonus for us.

Therefore, don’t expect perfection. Keep your expectation at a reasonable level. Appreciate slightest improvement in child’s behavior. Even in mistakes and accidents, appreciate your child for whatever he could save or whatever precautions he took, if any.


6. Don’t relate it to success

If we praise the child for his success only, we’ll loose so many precious occasions to praise him. Events of success are only a few. Don’t relate your praise to success. Praise and encourage a child for his efforts, irrespective of the results.

Success might come and go. But the experiences earned by the child in the process of putting in efforts are permanent lessons for the child. Keep giving him the gifts of encouragement for his efforts even if he doesn’t succeed.


7. Don’t make comparative praise

Praise a child for his efforts. Not for being better than any other child. Don’t compare him with some other child while praising. Every child his a different mind, experience and background. Every child is unique. Encourage children to promote their own individuality.


8. Mixing praise and criticism

If you praise your child and then start criticizing him saying how he could have done it better, you are suggesting the child that he wasn’t good enough. You are mixing praise and criticism. The child will forget the praise and remember his criticism. Is it what you want?

If you desperately want to mix limited amount of criticism with praise, here is how to do it.


9. Do it publicly if possible

Everybody likes public praise. Therefore, praise and encourage a child in public if you have something significant to tell people about him. Let children overhear you say something positive about them.

But don’t publicly praise minor improvement very frequently, because the child wouldn’t like people to know about each of his activity. The child needs his own privacy.


10. Avoid negative emotions

Don’t express the praise through any negative emotions like anger, hatred, sarcasm or things like that. The emotions speak louder than words. Even if you are using best chosen positive words but load them with negative emotions, the words are ignored and emotions get registered in the child’s mind. The praise looks sarcastic and insulting and ceases to be a positive encouragement.


11. Soften your voice tone

Your voice tone also reflects emotions. How you speak is much more important than what you speak. A simple word ‘Thanks’ can be spoken most politely as well as in grave anger. In both the situation the same word conveys altogether different messages. Use only positive words of encouragement and speak them with feeling and sincerity.


12. Mind your body language

Remember! Most of your emotions are reflected through your body language. So mind your body language. Straighten the skin folds on your forehead, relax your facial muscles, eye-brows, and other body muscles. Come close to the child, smile and look into his eyes. Pat on his back or give him a hug, or touch him affectionately. It adds deep emotional touch and great emotional value to your praise.


13. Don’t repeat yourself over and over again

Resist the feeling of repeating the same praising words over and over again in the same session. Saying one thing once in proper manner sends the message across. If you’ve not said it in a proper manner, it won’t serve the purpose even if you may repeat it ten more times. On the contrary, repetition arouses discomfort and suspicion in the child’s heart.


14. Don’t over-praise and over-encourage a child

Everything has a limit. You’ll loose the effect of your words by overdoing it. If you show over enthusiasm about it, the child feels pressurized. He thinks, “what if I couldn’t do it next time?” Behave reasonably.

And don’t praise any activity which you don’t want him to repeat. For example, if you praise your child’s running speed in a store, you are encouraging him to keep running in every store he visits.


15. Don’t drag previous errors in it

Never relate the praise to any previous unpleasant event. For example, if you say “I thought you’ll do it as bad as last time but you did better”. This is praise for a recent good performance, but you have finished your praise by relating it to a previous failure.

Instead, you can say, “you have really worked hard to improve your performance.” Dragging a previous error will make it a mess. You will lose the focus of improving the behavior and arguments on unnecessary things would start.

The child will come in battle mode and start defending his stand for the previous events. Very soon you will find yourself beating about the bush.


16. Don’t be in a hurry to finish it

If you are in a hurry to finish praising your child, he suspects your sincerity and thinks that you are doing it just for the sake of doing it. He ignores your praise and gets alert when ever you praise him next, even if you are genuine next time. So encourage a child in a subtle way.


17. General rules of ‘Parent child communication’

The general rules of ‘Effective communication with children’ apply on every interaction of the parents with their kids. These rules set the basic stage on which every activity involving interaction between parents and children happens. So, don’t forget them at all. Add on these rules with them.

Add vs Adhd

Tabulated differences between Add and Adhd (Add vs Adhd)

In common parlance Add and Ahhd mean one and the same thing. But if a child has attention problem, the parents must understand the difference between the two. Add (Attention deficit deficiency) may occur with and without hyperactivity. If it occurs with hyperactivity, it is 'Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder'.

For our discussion here, ADD refers to Attention Deficit Disorder without hyperactivity. There are numerous differences between the two disorders. Here is a tabulated account of Add vs Adhd:

ADD Vs ADHD


ADD
(Without Hyperactivity)
ADHD
(With Hyperactivity)
Weaker Parietal Lobe of brain Weaker Frontal Lobe of brain
Patient Impulsive, want instant gratification
Fearful and anxious Daring, crave for excitement
Mentally restless Physically Hyperactive
Avoid physical activities Love physical activities
Sensitive and fragile Rough and tough
Think Logically Think emotionally
Daydreamer Not daydreamer
Introvert Extrovert
Co-operative and Sensitive to others Don’t care about people
Tolerant Intolerant
Don’t express their feelings Over expressive and over reactive
Flexible thinkers Rigid thinkers
Lie only to please others Impulsive liar, Lie without any reason and fear
Low risk of criminal activity Very High risk of Criminal activity

Diagnosis & Symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)

Diagnosis of attention deficit disorder

There is no physical test to identify such kids. No blood test, no lab test. No X-ray or scanning can detect it. The child looks normal in physical appearance. There are, however, certain symptoms that suggest that the child has ADD. These symptoms are to be noticed in the behavior of the child. The degree and effect of the symptoms may vary from child to child.

To diagnose a child with ADD:

  • The symptoms must appear before seven years of age and persist at least for six months.
  • The symptoms create noticeable problem in at least more than two settings and situations. Such as school, playground, home, party etc.
  • The possibility of other behavioral disorder should be carefully ruled out for right diagnosis of ADD.

It is a little difficult to identify ADD kids because they do not create any disturbance to anybody. They are inattentive, passive, quiet and cooperative.

Rule out any other similar looking behaviors first. There are many behaviors that mimic ADD.

ADD-inattentive type does not involve hyperactivity, which is a key symptom of children suffering from ‘Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder’ or ADHD. ADHD is very much different from ADD.

Symptoms

  • Concentration is the major problem with these kids. They can’t hold their attention on any thing for more than a little while. Anything means anything … except those activities in which the child has special interest. It may be any thing said or even shown. It may be studies, game, conversation etc.
  • They are less attentive to important things, such as teachers' instructions; but more attentive to less important things, such as room temperature, sweating, sound of a fan, air-conditioner, chirping of birds outside etc.
  • Very sensitive to smell. They easily get distracted by smells.
  • Very sensitive to physical touch sensations such as the feeling of shirt’s tag against their skin etc.
  • Don’t like things which require continuous attention or mental effort, such as schoolwork or homework.
  • They are either very impulsive or difficult to satisfy easily.
  • Nothing seems to make them happy except a few things in which they are really interested.
  • Easily get bored with things.
  • Start many things but leave most of them incomplete. They keep shifting from one thing to another without completing any of them.
  • Find it difficult to complete the home work, school work or chores.
  • Seem to be unmotivated to finish a job.
  • Find it difficult to maintain long term relation with their friends, classmates etc.
  • Often lost in their own imaginations and daydreaming.
  • Appear confused, lost in thought, preoccupied or may seem to be drowsy.
  • Sometimes they do not seem to listen when we talk to them directly.
  • Working pace is usually very slow than their peers. They don’t seem to have a good idea of ‘time’.
  • Might find it difficult to catch a ball thrown at them directly.
  • Easily forget important words, phrases, rhymes, daily activities etc. If you ask them what happened in the English class … they find it difficult to recollect and answer immediately.
  • Most of the times, they fail to understand the instructions clearly. If they do, they find it difficult to follow.
  • Easily feel overburdened with not so much information given in a chapter, books, copies, class-work, home-work, multiple and complicated instructions.
  • Organizing things and activities is a difficult task.
  • Difficulty in arranging their school bags. They usually forget to keep their belongings with them and easily loose them.
  • Making careless mistakes very often.
  • Infants and toddlers with ADD are crying all the time without any significant reason and are difficult to be soothed. They are fussy eaters, very sensitive to touch, usually have to be taken to doctor more often than their peers. They have very frequent infections and colics. They have lots of sleep disturbances.

The Gift of ADD

Recognize the gift of ADD

The words ‘Attention Deficit Disorder’ indicate that it is some serious sort of mental disorder. This word takes our attention to the darkest side of such kids. I think it is not fair. This nomenclature needs to be changed. I don’t know why kids like this are called suffering from some disorder. Kids like this are amazing in some other ways. They have lots of rare positive qualities. They are raw material for geniuses. And that's the gift of ADD.

Not all such kids have all these positive qualities but usually you will find many of the following genius qualities in such kids:

  • Likes to take risks
  • Loves thrills
  • Enthusiastic
  • Passionate
  • Warm hearted
  • Creative
  • Interesting and humorous
  • Intuitive
  • Forgiving
  • Constantly tries for improvement
  • Lateral thinkers
  • Holistic thinking mind
  • Looks at the big picture of things and situations
  • Charismatic

Garret LoPorto, a father of ADHD child, and author of DaVinci Method finds a LeoNardo DaVinci in every ADD/ADHD child. He has exhaustively dealt with the gift of ADD/ADHD kids, most sussessful people in the world with ADHD, how does ADHD brain works differently, how to utilize the ADHD gifts for best performance, and much more.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ADHD

ADHD is a sub-type of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). It is different from 'Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) inattentive type'. Click here to find out how.



Symptoms

  •     Easily distracted
  •     Difficulty paying attention
  •     Impulsive
  •     ADHD kid boy   
  •     Hyperactive, physically restless
  •     difficulty remaining seated
  •     Difficulty waiting their turn
  •     Blurting out answers
  •     Doesn't obey instructions
  •     Shifts from one uncompleted activity to another
  •     Fidgeting
  •     Can't play quietly
  •     Talks excessively, doesn't listen
  •     Keeps interrupting in conversation
  •     Often loses things
  •     Makes a decision instantly without thinking about consequences
  •     Impulsive buying
  •     Acts and speaks without thinking
  •     Replies before completing the question
  •     Jumps to conclusions before checking details
  •     Making false assumptions
  •     Making rapid decisions or to act quickly in a case of emergency.

More articles you can read:

ADHD disorder or difference

ADHD and young children: Unlocking the secrets to good behavior

Diagnosis for ADHD, ODD, LD: What does a diagnosis means for your child

How girls with ADHD go undetected, and why the correct diagnosis is important for girls and boys alike.

How to stop arguing and start talking with your adhd child 

How to criticize

Researches across the globe have conclusively proved that people learn far more effectively when they are rewarded for good behavior, than when they are criticized and punished for bad behavior.

Criticizing is easy. It can be done thoughtlessly and effortlessly. Any fool can criticize. But restraining ourselves from doing it is pretty difficult. You need to have a lot of self control, patience, compassion and forgiving attitude.

But it’s worth it! It puts in lots of strength and sweetness in the relationship and also develops child discipline by improving his behavior.



However, sometimes we desperately need to criticize, either for our personal impatience or intolerance or for some other reasons. If it is so, it is better to do it with some tips of the art of criticism. Here is how to criticize your child so that it doesn’t hurt him and serves your purpose:

  •     Wait … hold on for a while
  •     Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous
  •     Collect facts before starting
  •     How to begin
  •     How to point out mistakes after praise
  •     Point out their mistake indirectly
  •     Refer to your own mistakes
  •     Use suggestive approach
  •     No personal attack
  •     Don't make it a public show
  •     Watch your words
  •     Avoid negative emotions
  •     Soften your voice tone
  •     Mind your body language
  •     Don’t repeat yourself over and over again
  •     Don’t make an issue out of it
  •     Don’t drag history in it
  •     Focus on one topic at a time
  •     Point out important mistakes only
  •     Don’t overload the child with it
  •     Don’t forget the general rules of ‘Parent child communication’
  •     Finish it as early as possible


1. Wait … hold on for a while

If you desperately feel like criticizing your child, wait a minute… hold on … manage your anger for a while. Let this moment pass away. A little while later, you would be somewhat cool and look at the things more rationally and understand the situation better.

If you can let this moment pass away, most of the damage that criticism does would be avoided. I’m sure you would be a different person after 10 minutes to react on the same fault of your child.


2. Don’t jump on conclusions: Be generous

We always tend to jump on conclusions and judge others spontaneously. Instead of understanding the whole situation we pass our judgment on the basis of what we hear from people around us. We immediately say, he’s right’ or ‘he’s wrong’.

Show some generosity. Don’t be in a hurry to judge your kids, and if you do, don’t judge them so harshly … be liberal in your judgment, if at all the need be.


3. Collect facts before starting

Make sure you find out why your child did what he did before you start your session. May be there was no fault on his part. May be you are firing your elder son for the fault of the younger son.

There could be anything… just check it out. There is no point in collecting facts after criticism is made.


4. How to begin

Begin the conversation with a pleasant note. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after listening to pleasant things. Having some sugar before taking a bitter medicine always make it easier to tolerate the bitter taste of the medicine.

Begin your criticism with some sincere praise on some positive aspect related to the subject which you want to criticize. Find something positive related to the subject of conversation and praise the child about it and do it liberally and generously. Then slowly come to the criticizing part.

No criticism should precede praise or you’ll lose the effect of praise as well. Spend more time in praise and little time in criticisms.

A word of caution: insincere praise will do more harm than good. Children can easily assess the sincerity we put in our praise. So better we do it sincerely so that he can accept criticism as well.


5. How to point out mistakes after praise

Praise the child for something good about him. Then use the word and and express your criticism in a gentle manner. This will nicely make a flow of the praise into a gentle criticism without sounding harsh and odd. For example:

John, studying in second grade, got ‘B’ in the Maths test and ‘A’ grade in English. Let’s see how his mother praises him for English and then constructively criticises him for Maths. Notice how she joins criticism after praise using the word ‘and’:

Mom: Got an ‘A’ in English! That’s very good! That shows how hard did you work for English, and if you work a little harder in Maths, you could get an ‘A’ in Maths as well.

This makes the criticism subtle. The child can digest it because his self esteem is not hurt. He is delighted with his praise first. The second statement does not hurt him.

A word of caution: Never use but in place of And.

Let’s understand it using the John’s example using ‘but’ in place of ‘and’.

Mom: Got an ‘A’ in English! That’s very good! That shows how hard did you work for English, but if you work a little harder in Maths, you could get an ‘A’ in Maths as well.

‘But’ is a negative word. It emits suspicion. The child now suspects the genuineness of your praise itself. This will switch off his receptive mode. He will suspect a hidden threat and sarcasm in your praise and criticism. You’ll loose your credibility.


6. Point out their mistake indirectly

Never criticise your kids directly or bluntly. Never say, ‘you are wrong’, or ‘stupid’ or ‘dumb’ or something like that. This is potential negative criticism, and would certainly arouse resentment and contempt in the child. He’ll react to criticism in an aggressive manner. Criticize him indirectly, tactfully and gently.


7. Refer to your own mistakes

Remember and talk about your own mistakes before finding faults in your child. You are at least two decades older than your kids. You have seen the world by going through day-to-day struggle. You have seen and experienced childhood, teenage, adulthood, school, college, clubs, job, business, marriage and much more.

But the child is only a few years old. He has not seen all this. He is justified in making many mistakes. And what were you at his age? I am very sure I made several times more mistakes than my son at my son’s age. My son is much smarter and these days all kids are much smarter than we were at their age.

So when ever you want to point out their mistakes don’t forget to mention that you also made that kind of mistakes or worse at his age. Tell him how you were criticized and what mistakes you made in learning ‘how to deal with criticism’. Then you can gently guide him to the correction. Your self criticism will make the child listen to you with open mind.


8. Use suggestive approach

Use suggestive sentences like, ‘Let’s see how we can improve it ….’, ‘Let’s see how you can do it in an easier way’, ‘Let’s brainstorm together’. This makes the atmosphere pleasant and the child would be in the mode of accepting criticism. While making suggestions, you can gently take his attention to the area that you want to criticize and do it subtly.


9. No personal attack

Remember, you have to criticize a negative behavior of the child, and not the ‘person’ of the child. Don’t make personal criticism. Don’t use ‘you’ too often. Don’t declare him ‘fool’, ‘stupid’ etc. These are personal attacks. Get into your child’s shoes and walk in his shoes before criticizing him. Treat him the way you would like to be treated in his situation. Have some respect for him. Try to help him in the difficult task of dealing with criticism by being friendly to him.


10. Don't make it a public show

Do not ever criticize a child in front of any one … do it in the closed room if it is desperately necessary. Public criticism means insult in front of friends, relatives and others. Criticism already inflects injury on the child. Why add insult to the injury?


11. Watch your words

Don’t use words which let them down, like ‘stupid’, ‘dumb’, ‘fool’. Don’t use the words which smell like dictates, commands, orders and judgments. Don’t use sentences like, ‘You must understand…’, ‘I want you to do this…’. These words turn an otherwise cool discussion in a battlefield, because these words trigger the defense mechanism in the child.


12. Avoid negative emotions

Our sole purpose to criticize our kids is to improve them, not to insult or disgrace them. So don’t express the criticism through any negative emotions like anger, hatred, sarcasm or things like that. These emotions let them down and make them feel insulted. Their self-esteem is hurt and criticism ceases to be a constructive criticism. It turns into a destructive criticism.


13. Soften your voice tone

Your voice tone also reflects emotions. How you speak is much more important than what you speak. A simple word ‘Thanks’ can be spoken most politely as well as in grave anger. In both the situation the same word conveys altogether different messages. Criticism must be done only in a mature, friendly, graceful and polite manner. This will help the child in accepting constructive criticism.


14. Mind your body language

Remember most of your emotions are reflected through your body language. So mind your body language. Straighten the skin folds on your fore head, relax your facial muscles, eye-brows, and other body muscles. If you find it difficult to control your body language, try to smile before and during the conversation. Smile tends to relax the tension and emits positive vibration, which calms down the temperature of the situation. Help him in handling criticism.


15. Don’t repeat yourself over and over again

Resist the feeling of repeating the same criticizing words over and over again in the same session. Saying one thing once in proper manner sends the message across. If you’ve not said it in a proper manner, it won’t serve the purpose even if you may repeat it ten more times. On the contrary, repetition arouses resentment and contempt in the child’s heart.


16. Don’t make an issue out of it

Don’t dramatize and make a scene out of it. It’s not the end of the world. Most mistakes can be corrected. Keep this in low profile and make the mistake seem easy to correct. This will relieve the child of the heaviness on his heart caused by the feeling of guild of making a mistake. Try to wind it up as early as possible and forget it after that. Don’t discuss this event ever in future as reference or historical record while making a new criticism.


17. Don’t drag history in it

Never drag any previous event into the current session. Dragging a previous error will make it a mess. You will lose the focus of improving the behavior and arguments on unnecessary things would start. The child will come in battle mode and start defending his stand for the previous events. Very soon you will find yourself beating about the bush.


18. Focus on one topic at a time

If you are criticizing your kid for one fault, focus on that only, don’t drag any other topic in the conversation or you’ll lose your focus. Concentrate on one useful criticism at a time. Dragging more topics will dilute the message you want to give to your child. Too many issues will defeat each other.


19. Point out important mistakes only

Avoid criticism of trifles. Don’t show your child that your eyes are X-ray machine and the child can’t escape doing any mistake. Nobody likes to be under surveillance at all times. Forgive their petty mistakes. Constant criticism creates serious problems.

If you criticise them for every small mistake they won’t take you seriously. You will be branded as ‘over critical’ or ‘over sensitive’. Very soon kids will loose their sensitivity to criticism and get immune to what you criticize, and instead of learning how to handle criticism, they will learn how to ignore it.


20. Don’t overload the child with it
Everything has an upper and lower limit. Some children are very sensitive to criticism while others are not as much. Measure your child’s limits to tolerate criticism. Keep your limits to the minimum. Avoid severe criticism.

Even if you are dealing with a hardened kid, don’t criticize beyond the minimum dose required. Intense criticism can depress the child. Minor criticism is always safe. The main food for your kid’s behavior is encouragement. Constructive criticisms are only medicines. Medicines are always given in small doses.


21. Don’t forget the general rules of 'effective communication with children'

The general rules of effective communication with children apply on every interaction of the parents with the kids. These rules set the basic stage on which every activity involving interaction between parents and children happens. So, don’t forget them at all. Add on these rules with them.


22. Finish it as early as possible

Remember when your parents used to criticize you? I remember that. Every minute used to pass like a full day. I would anxiously wait for the session to come to an end. Even now if someone criticizes us, we want it to finish at once. Remember: your child is not having fun being criticized. So, finish it as early as possible.

Constructive criticism

Criticism and Child Discipline

Knowingly or unknowingly, each one of us criticises our kids on a daily basis all the hours they’re awake. Every now and then we find some new criticism to make. Easily and effortlessly.

Why?

Because if we don’t tell them what mistakes they are making, they'll never correct their mistakes. That’s right! Very right! So criticism is necessary to improve child behavior.

But have you watched your words when you criticize your kids?

You think you are improving them by finding their faults and criticizing them. But what do the kids think? How do they feel? And do they really improve by our doing this? Let’s explore criticism and see how it affects kids…!!!


Criticisms

‘To err is Human’.

We're all human beings...run more by emotions than logic, and therefore keep making mistakes every now and then.

Nobody wants to make a mistake. They just happen. And we never criticize ourselves for them, no matter what blunder we may commit.

But when someone else makes a mistake, we jump out of our soul to criticize him. We want to be the first to criticize that person, as if we were to win a gold medal for that.

Without going into the facts, we pass our own judgment holding that person guilty and expect him to give a written confession for what he did.

We are all alike … including kids.

Rather kids have more difficulty in handling criticism because they know nothing about dealing with criticism. They don’t understand how to handle criticism. They’ve never read an essay on criticism. You might have.

Anatomy of Criticism

In dealing with people, the most lovable things to us are our self esteem, ego and feelings. Everything else comes next.

Criticism directly attacks our self-esteem, ego and feelings, and does something what atom bombs did to Hiroshima-Nagasaki in World War-II.

We employ everything at our command to protect our shattering ego.

How do we do it?

We make a China wall around ourselves. This wall serves many purposes. It closes our mind to the attacking criticism. The mind gets into alert and offensive mode.

The words and sounds of criticism fall on our ears but our mind rejects them out rightly.

Then our mind sets up best available guns and canons on the top of this china wall, and loads them with all the available logics, facts and figures, howsoever baseless, vague, misconceived or prejudiced they might be.

Yes, the firing starts.

Whom do we fire at? Of Course, the one who attacked us, and everyone who comes in the way. We start contradicting the criticism with our full potential with all kind of justifications … mostly prejudiced.

We blame the one who criticizes us and everyone whom we can shift the blame on. To prove ourselves right, we spare no one whom we can blame.

Nobody likes self criticism. We are all alike … including kids.


Effects of Criticism

Criticism hurts and shatters our ego, poisons our emotions and enthusiasm and demoralizes us.

It is dangerous. It is lethal, which is why nobody likes it.

And the worse part is, it defeats its own purpose very much. Not only it fails to correct the child behavior, it also arouses hatred in the heart of the child against us. Ultimately, things get messed up more than before. No criticism can improve child behavior like that.

Criticism is futile!


Complain, condemn, ridicule, scold, shouting, humiliation and insult

More deadly species of criticism are ‘complaining’, ‘condemning’, ‘ridiculing’, ‘scolding’, ‘shouting, ‘humiliation’ and ‘insult’. The damage they do to the victim is many times what criticism does. We cause extreme insult and humiliation to our kids when we shout or pass ridiculous comments complaining and condemning our kids.

No one likes to be ridiculed. We are all alike … including kids.

If you scold your child he’ll certainly condemn you ... in your presence or absence. He’ll defend and justify himself, and tell himself, ‘Papa doesn’t understand me ... he is a bad man… I hate him… he knows scolding only. I’ll be happy if someone scolds him as well. I’m not going to listen to him any more.’

So if you think you can improve your kids behavior by criticizing, complaining, condemning, ridiculing or scolding …. think again.

It is foolish to scold.


Don’t criticize them

As I said earlier, nobody wants to make a mistake. They just happen. More so with kids. It is only experience which teaches us how to avoid mistakes.

Kids have life experience of only a few years. They are more likely to make mistakes. We’ve made similar or worse mistakes at their age.

These days kids are smarter. I’m sure I made more mistakes when I was my son’s age, than my son does today.

Don’t criticize them. They are just what we were in their age under similar circumstances.


Constructive criticism vs. destructive criticism

We have explored that criticism is bad. But how do we improve child behavior without criticizing the child's mistakes.

We can do that by making some changes in the words, gestures, ways and manners by which we criticize the kids.

If we can criticize the children without hurting their self esteem, ego and feeling, we can improve their behavior.

That’s Constructive criticism.

Constructive criticisms or positive criticism gets more effective if it is coupled with the art of criticism.

There are lots of ways to do that. Want to explore? Here’s how to criticise your child in a constructive manner.

Every criticism which is not a constructive criticism is a destructive criticism or negative criticism. Destructive criticism is rash, insincere and lacks generosity.

If you are criticizing you child and she’s not improving, your criticism is destroying her personality, and it’s destructive criticism.



Constructive criticism:

  •     Aims at improving the child behavior.
  •     focuses on child's behavior, not on her or his person.
  •     Is genuine, without any prejudices.
  •     Is sincere and generous.
  •     Makes the children ready for accepting criticism.
  •     Is far more helpful than a blunt criticism of the child’s faults.
  •     Helps kids identify their weaknesses and work on them.
  •     Allows the child to make decisions.
  •     Is not mere rhetorical criticism.
  •     Gives real message to the child that you truly want him to improve.


Lets see an example of how constructive criticism differs from destructive criticism:

Alex and Jack, both study in Second Grade. Both got ‘B’ grade in the mid term Maths test and ‘A’ grade in English. Lets see how their mothers respond:

Alex John
Mom: I knew you can never get anything better than ‘B’ in maths. You always make careless mistakes. You never listen to me. How many times have I told you this… and .. that Mom: Got an ‘A’ in English! That’s very good! That shows how hard did you work for English, and if you work a little harder in Maths, you could get an ‘A’ in Maths as well.
Destructive criticism Constructive criticism

Click here to learn....How to criticize so that your child doesn't get hurt.